“Hello, My name is Afiza. I am a FINAL year medical student in the team. Do you mind if we have a chat to talk about why you’ve come to the hospital?”
Ke’poyo’an yang melampau, isn’t it?But that has been my usual opening/greeting sentence in the hospital since I became a med student. I have been saying the same lines over and over again for the past four years, while substituting the underlined word. This year, the substitute is in the word ‘final’ or maybe for the sake of variety, ‘5th’ would do just as well. But I like the word ‘final’ best!
Do forgive me! I am quite excited by the prospect of this being my final year if everything goes well, insya Allah.
Yesterday, I went to the 5th year orientation program. I ha expected to be orientated to a life of zero worries and nil exertion. People have been saying that once you’ve passed your 4th year, 5th year would pass you by like an ocean breeze.
People have been WRONG!!! Everytime I deluded myself into thinking that the year after this would be much better, I got disappointed.
There were tons and tons of assignments! And most of them are group works! I hate group works!! One of the assignments requires us to conduct a damn study!!
“I ain’t have no interest in no damn study!!”
(Pardon, my double negative, o English teachers. But I am vexed beyond anything!)
As I love to whine soo much, let me begin to do so now.
1) I hate group work. I work best alone!
2)I am less receptive to ideas that are not in the same shade of what I think would be best. So, I work best alone. (have I mentioned that I work best alone?)
3)I don’t like commitments. I have always been wary of giving promises because I don’t want to break my promises or disappoint somebody’s expectation. Being in a group, you have no choice but to commit to work together in a team. What if that team sucks??
I can’t help but think that working together in ANYTHING is a bit like marriage (and we all know that the divorce rate is alarming to the extreme). How efficient, how good and how fun it would be depends on the members in it. The members, when taken individually, might not irritate or annoy you. They are – ALL OF THEM – are nice, good, charming, citizens. But try put them in a blender of what’s termed as ‘team work’ and you’ll get all sorts of headache.
You see, when marriage falls apart, most of the time, it’s not because one of them is evil (though there ARE cases of lunatics and wife-beaters and cuckolded husbands). All of them are nice people who you would smile and say hello to everyday and generally think that they are charming! But when you are suddenly thrown together and are made to achieve a common goal, that goal being the completion of your assignment, suddenly you notice ALL her characteristics that you were not privy to when she was just a mere acquaintance.
It’s just that the members in it have different priorities, different personalities and different goals and they just don’t suit!!
On the other hand, I might just be too much of a control freak and need to learn how to loosen up a bit!
I have moved into a room in one of the senior’s house. This house is awesome! It has its own swimming pool in the backyard. By now, I can half-float in the water. That’s a considerable progress to sinking inevitably like a heavy rhino.
I was, at first, quite worried about becoming one of the 47 Kimian’s housemate. The fact is, all of them are really pious, very nice, so selfless, extremely kind-hearted Muslims women. Me? I am a not-so-pious, not-very-nice, sometimes-selfish, sometimes-temperamental Muslim woman. How will we ever suit? (remember what I said about my FEAR and AVERSION to group work and commitments when the personalities are different?)
But, Alhamdulillah, so far so good. I am really enjoying being their housemates. Maybe I will pick up one of their good qualities while staying here. Maybe this is Allah’s way to improve my personality. By throwing me into their midst.
I am not saying that I’ve been BAD n WILD when I was living on campus. It’s just that, the reason I stuck myself on-campus for the past four years was because I have always preferred my own company. Being on campus, I minded my own business. And other people minded theirs. When I was asked for help, I would go and help. When there were programmes or events being held, I joined and mingled and socialized. But no matter how much I enjoy socializing with friends or the Malaysian and the Muslim community in NC, I do that knowing that at the end of the day my privacy awaits me at home. I can retreat into my own world.
But I know that being on campus has given me a selfish life. Life has been easy.
I am sure other people were just as selfish when they started. But when they were put together as housemates, they gradually learned to be more accommodating to others’ needs and wants. The situation forces them to learn to be nicer, better, selfless-er (I made up this word). The circumstance gives them the tarbiyah that they need (or want).
So maybe it’s time for me too. Maybe there’s some silver lining out of not being able to stay on campus this year. Maybe I could learn to like being in a group, functioning as a team. And maybe I can learn to love not being totally alone. (I believe that I have mentioned in the past, that I MIGHT be a bit autistic and my MOM used to worry about my socializing skills back when I was in standard 1).
And seriously, after a few days, I had to wonder what was it that I fear? The housemates are nice. Kak Yani, Kak Hani, Kak Mel, Kak Rin, Kak Dash….they’ve all been soo good and welcoming. I feel blessed for having known them. And for all their pious and nice ways, they are really a barrel of laughter and are fun to hang around! And Kak Yani is a book-addict like me! In Kak Rin, I found a tennis enthusiast and a fellow Kedahan with whom I could speak my dialect.
And after a few back-from-Malaysia-gossip-session with them, I think I am learning to enjoy being in a group. Progress in my personality finally, Alhamdulillah. Hopefully, the trace of Autism will be gone by the end of the year. hehehe.
One thing I learned about myself in all these is that: I am NOT flexible, but I am resilient. When I said I am not flexible it means that I would not, by my own choice, knowingly do something that I don’t like to do or not used to do, even if that something is good for me. However, when circumstance forces me too, or I am being compelled to do something that I dislike, then I would do it and be resilient in dealing with it and would bear with it and gradually accept it, God willing. Macam Wani slalu cakap waktu blueberry picking dulu, “Afiza ni banyak kompelin, tapi last skali dia boleh buat juga.”
In the future, I wish to be someone who don’t complain outwardly (maybe just in the inside, though. I couldn’t help that). Maybe, one day I could be BOTH flexible AND resilient.
I guess the trick in dealing with me is to make things as ‘fait accompli’. Don’t give me choices. Just force me! I might complain and be angry at you but eventually I’ll do it and I’ll accept it. If you give me choices and time to think, you will never get me to do something that you know is good for me.
I am living a nomadic life.
After nearly a month of travelling around Orange, Snowy Mountains and Tumba Rumba, I went back to Newcastle. And after 3 weeks of being in my Edwards Hall room, I had to move here in 47 Kimian Avenue. And on Monday, again I’ll be on the move.
This time, I’ll be going to Tamworth for a regional clinical placement for 2 months.
Huh, hidup ku berpindah-randah dan tidak terurus.
When I was in 3rd year, I used to be very annoyed and anxious when things were ever-changing and never settling. Another autistic character of me; hating any change of routine! However, after working in a blueberry farm with a weather more fickle than a bitch with PMS, and after all the hectic life I have led this summer, I am begining to take all these changes in stride. No more anxiety or worries. I will just take the life I have been dealt with as I go along.
The only complaint I have (of course I must whine, LOL) is Suhaila and I was put in a hospital apartment with a male housemate. *sigh*. I hope he won’t party around in the house.
People been asking me about my “Gay Awareness Week” post that I promised to work on. I have been working on it and would put it in a WORD document. I am still accumulating arguments and scientific facts from all sides of the matter. Like I said, I want this to be a scientific argument so that every one (the gays, the Atheist, the religious, the agnostics) would all be able to appreciate and accept. So, it’s going to be, insya Allah, a serious project and it takes time considering I have tons of assignment some more literature reviews to do this year.
When all facts are gathered and the post written, I would attach the Word Document in one of the pages in this blog. So, please have patience as I know I am moving at a snail’s pace with this. However, my hectic schedule does not allow me the pleasure of an extended research into non-examinable materials in my final exam 😉
Bye everyone. I am off to Tamworth and may not get that much internet access. I may or may not be able to update as much, being there for two months. We’ll see how it goes.
Until the next post.