“The thought of taking our final breath is something we consciously ignore and for many of us, it is nothing short of morbid.” – International Journal of Palliative Medicine.
Doctor T (my supervisor) had asked us about the Islamic Palliative Care. He asked for a source of information about how to care for the dying Muslims because all these while he has been caring for predominantly patients of Christian or Western background.
I know the practical stuff of caring for the dying in Islam, I suppose. I mean, it would be roughly similar to caring for the rest of the world population. The clinical aspects would be the same…make sure their pain is well-managed, treat the nausea and vomiting, treat all the distressing symptoms so that their final days in this world would be as comfortable as possible. And the nursing aspect would be similar to, like making sure that they take their pills at the right time, make sure that they are clean after they’ve had some explosive diarrhoea, make sure they are eating well and all that. It would all be similar with some important additions; the five daily prayers.
We have to make sure that our patients know how to modify their prayer movements while praying in bed. We should provide them with a jug for ablution (if we are caring for the Muslim patients in the Western setting), maintaining their dignity in the hospital (the aurat), reminding them about the making of the will or any unresolved financial debts and obligations, settling the matter of the will or inheritance, reconciliation and forgiveness among relatives and friends.
To enable them to pray and perform their spiritual obligation in this very critical time of their lives, we need to make sure that the dose of morphine are just enough not to cause them to be too drowsy or too sedating.
I provide here, a link to a journal article talking about Palliative Care for the Muslims, which I googled especially for my supervisor who had asked Suhaila (and she passed the job to me) to provide him with some background information about Islamic Palliative Care.
Palliative Care in Islam is the easy bit. All Suhaila and I had to do was googling some Islamic website talking about all the practical stuff in caring for a pious, Muslim patient who is dying. But when Dr. T asked about how we could calm the patient’s anxiety regarding death and the life after death in an Islamic way….
Now, that’s hard!!
I know how to calm the family members of the dying. All we usually say would be “May Allah bless his soul and may he be among the pious in the hereafter. Innalillah hi wa innalillah hi rojiun.” Or we can always say “Be patient in facing this great calamity. There’s reward for those who are patient.”
But how do we calm the dying patient?
I have never talked to a dying patient to ask about how they feel?
Are they scared? They must be!!
Are they sad? Maybe a great deal sad, having to leave their children and their friends. But if they TRULY believe about life after death and about a better place, wouldn’t they be happy too?
How about regrets and remorse for their past sin? All their past deeds would come flashing back in their minds.
And what can WE, the professional doctors do about it? Really!! How can we calm someone’s fear of dying? I am, Alhamdulillah, still well and healthy, though that is no guarantee of my future lifespan. But even I am scared of death!
Imagine the cancer patients who knew that they got an incurable disease and is just WAITING for the final breath. How MUCH MORE scared they would become. Every time they close their eyes, they would fear that they might never open them up again. That fear could lead to insomnia because they are never calm enough to sleep properly.
All we can do is give them some Diazepam or midazolam; something for their anxiety. Or maybe some sleeping pills to sedate them. But when they wake up, the fear is still there!! It will always be there from the time they receive their diagnosis to the time they come to terms with their prognosis until their final breath!
Coupled with the fear, in some patients, would be regrets of how they have lived in the past. At times like this, they would wish to trade all their wealth for another life of living indefinitely.Or maybe they wish they could die a sudden tragic death in a traffic accident…because the suspense of waiting is too painful, too fearful and too depressing.
ONLY THOSE WITH STRONG FAITH….
I have heard stories of the pious saints…how they welcome death in their embrace because they could not wait to meet their Creator. Because they just knew that they have been assured a place in heaven. They have strong faith and death is a welcome treat in their minds.
I guess, the majority of people does not have such strong faiths then, to fear death beyond anything. That means, I am among them. Most of us, in this time and age, have the same disease that our prophet had mentioned; the disease is called Al-Wahn which is translated as ‘love of the world, and dislike of death’. PENYAKIT CINTAKAN DUNIA DAN TAKUTKAN MATI.
This disease is eating me alive. It’s eating all of us alive, to the extent that we think it’s natural to fear death. To the extent that we just couldn’t help it.
Maybe back in the glorified days of Islam, what was natural was not to fear death. But NOW, because we are all plagued with this Al- Wahn disease, we feel that death is a natural anxiety-provoking issue. Because we are all mentally and spiritually diseased in some ways.
THE ATHEIST AND THE THEIST
Some doctors actually even argue that the atheists do better in dealing with death than the religious people. Because the atheists just do not think about heaven and hell, so naturally they feel no fear about what is going to happen to them. They just think that once they have taken their final breath, they just become nothing. Even though the concept of feeling nothing, is actually feeling something, if you know what I mean.
However, we can even see some atheist who deal very badly with fear of death too. They could not grasp how being nothing would feel. Or sometimes they are beginning to have an attack of self-doubt. Some even find religion after a diagnosis of terminal illness!!
So, I guess, what I am trying to say is….either you are an Atheist or a Theist of whatever religion, there is no guarantee that you would not fear death. Because only those with strong conviction in their life’s philosophy (a strong Atheist or a strong Theist) would be good at dealing with death. A strong atheist would just say “There is nothing to fear because I am going to NOTHING.” And the strong Theist would draw comfort by saying “I have been a pious person, a true believer of God and I have been good all my life and I trust the promise of my Lord so absolutely that I have nothing to fear.”
It’s those of us who are in the middle….or among the weak-hearted (the agnostic, the sometimes-nice-sometimes-naughty Muslims), we are the ones who would be assailed with anxiety and fear! Because there would be so many calculations going on in our minds:
-Ok, I did wear some provocative clothes, but that was during my younger days. Been ten years now since I wear jubah all the time. Surely, that compensates a bit.
-Ok, I did flirt with some guys back in my teenage years, but I have never cheated on my husband since I found out that I got breast cancer.
-Well, I missed a few prayers but I have given lots of charity.
You know, what I mean? The anxiety comes from knowing that we may not be good enough! Or when we are good enough, the intention was never sincere enough.
WHAT HELPS??
For those who even until their last moment still haven’t recovered from the disease of Al-Wahn, the only thing that can help them is having a good, fulfilling life. The fear will be there, of course, but it is less painful if you’ve at least sincerely attempted to be good (even if the result of the attempt is quite disappointing) or if you can at least say I have never committed the big sins (even though you have committed the small ones quite A LOT!!).
That would help!
Reconsiling with enemies and asking for forgiveness and looking for closure…..that would help!
Making sure you have all your debts paid and all your worldly affairs neat and tidy…that would ease your mind a little.
But if we are still plagued with Al-Wahn…the fear will always be there! It will go away with Midazolam and sleeping pills, but when the effects wear off, the fear would come back with a vengeance and can reduce the strongest of man to tears of shameful cowardice!
So, I am calling for you and me, to be prepared! You should not fear the cancer….you should fear the fear. Because that is the worst experience when you are facing your end of life! Morphine could take care of the pain but the waiting and the knowing that this is the end and you are not prepared but you could not stop it happening…it’s the worst feeling of all. Trust me…I have seen it in others and I have experienced the anxiety in the past! And until you have felt it, you can never understand it. When it hit you…
…you will wish you were never born.
All the pleasures in life become nil! People often ask you, what would you do if today is the last day of your life. And their answers are fantastics fantasy of travelling to somewhere they have never been to cuddling up with loved ones etc etc. I often laugh at that! Because the truth is, if you could somehow know that today is the last day of your life, you will be too scared to do anything much!!
I leave you with this video from Khalid Yassin: From The Womb To The Tomb.
“Hello, My name is Afiza. I am a FINAL year medical student in the team. Do you mind if we have a chat to talk about why you’ve come to the hospital?”
Ke’poyo’an yang melampau, isn’t it?But that has been my usual opening/greeting sentence in the hospital since I became a med student. I have been saying the same lines over and over again for the past four years, by substituting the underlined word. This year, the substitute is in the word ‘final’ or maybe for the sake of variety, ‘5th’ would do just as well. But I like the word ‘final’ best!
Do forgive me! I am quite excited by the prospect of this being my final year if everything goes well, insya Allah.
Yesterday, I went to the 5th year orientation program. I was expecting to be orientated to a life of zero worries and nil exertion. People have been saying that once you’ve passed your 4th year, 5th year would pass you by like an ocean breeze.
People have been WRONG!!! Everytime I deluded myself into thinking that the year after this would be much better, I got disappointed.
There were tons and tons of assignments! And most of them are group work! I hate group work!! One of the assignments is in which we have to conduct a damn study!!
“I ain’t have no interest in no damn study!!”
(Pardon, my double negative, o English teachers. But I am vexed beyond anything!)
As I love to whine soo much, let me begin so now.
1) I hate group work. I work best alone!
2)I am less receptive to ideas that are not in the same shade of what I think would be best. So, I work best alone. (have I mentioned that I work best alone?)
3)I don’t like commitments. I have always been wary of giving promises because I don’t want to break my promises or disappoint somebody’s expectation. Being in a group, you have no choice but to commit to work together in a team. What if that team sucks??
I can’t help but think that working together in ANYTHING is a bit like marriage (and we all know the divorce rate is alarming to the extreme). How efficient, how good and how fun it would be depends on the members in it. The members, when taken individually, might not cause you to have any exception to their sublime characteristics. They are ALL OF THEM are nice, good, charming, citizens. But try put them in a blender of what’s termed as ‘team work’ and you’ll get all sorts of headache.
You see, when marriage falls apart, most of the time, it’s not because one of them is evil (though there ARE cases of lunatics and wife-beaters and cuckolded husbands). All of them are nice people who you would smile and say hello to everyday and generally think that they are charming! But when you are suddenly thrown together and are made to achieve a common goal, that goal being the completion of your assignment, suddenly you notice ALL her characteristics that you were not privy to when she was just a mere acquaintance.
It’s just that the members in it have different priorities, different personalities and different goals and they just don’t suit!!
On the other hand, I might just be too much of a control freak and need to learn how to loosen up a bit!
*******
I have moved into a room in one of the senior’s house. This house is awesome! It has its own swimming pool in the backyard. By now, I can half-float in the water. That’s a considerable progress to sinking inevitably like a heavy rhino.
I was, at first, quite worried about becoming one of the 47 Kimian’s housemate. The fact is, all of them are really pious, very nice, so selfless, extremely kind-hearted Muslims women. Me? I am a not-so-pious, not-very-nice, sometimes-selfish, sometimes-temperamental Muslim woman. How will we ever suit? (remember what I said about my FEAR and AVERSION to group work and commitments when the personalities are different?)
But, Alhamdulillah, so far so good. I am really enjoying being their housemates. Maybe I will pick up one of their good qualities while staying here. Maybe this is Allah’s way to improve my personality. By throwing me into their midst.
I am not saying that I’ve been BAD n WILD when I was living on campus. It’s just that, the reason I stuck out there was because I have always preferred my own company. Being on campus, I mind my own business. And other people mind theirs. When I am asked for help, I will go and help. When there were programmes or events being held, I joined and mingled and socialized. But no matter how much I enjoy socializing with friends and the Malaysian and Muslim community in NC, I do that knowing that at the end of the day my privacy awaits me at home. I can retrieve into my own world.
But I know that being on campus has given me a selfish life. Life has been easy.
I am sure other people were just as selfish when they started. But when they were put together as housemates, they gradually learned to be more accommodating to others needs and wants. The situation forces them to learn to be nicer, better, selfless-er (I made up this word). The circumstance gives them the tarbiyah that they need (or want).
So maybe it’s time for me too. Maybe there’s some silver lining out of not being able to stay on campus. Maybe I could learn to like being in a group, functioning as a team. And maybe I can learn to love not being totally alone. (I belive that I have mentioned in the past, that I MIGHT be a bit autistic and my MOM used to worry about my socializing skills back when I was in standard 1).
And seriously, after a few days, I had to wonder what was it that I fear? The housemates are nice. Kak Yani, Kak Hani, Kak Mel, Kak Rin, Kak Dash….they’ve all been soo good and welcoming. I feel blessed for having known them. And for all their pious and nice ways, they are really a barrel of laughter and are fun to hang around! And Kak Yani is a book-addict like me! In Kak Rin, I found a tennis enthusiast and a fellow Kedahan with whom I could speak my dialect.
And after a few back-from-Malaysia-gossip-session with them, I think I am learning to enjoy being in a group. Progress in my personality finally, Alhamdulillah. Hopefully, the trace of Autisms will be gone by the end of the year. hehehe.
One thing I learned about myself in all these is that: I am NOT flexible, but I am resilient. When I said I am not flexible it means that I would not, by my own choice, knowingly do something that I don’t like to do even if that something is good for me. However, when circumstance forces me too, or I was being compelled to do something that I dislike, then I would do it and be resilient in dealing with it and bearing with it and gradually accepting it, God willing. Macam Wani slalu cakap waktu blueberry picking dulu, “Afiza ni banyak kompelin, tapi last skali dia boleh buat juga.”
In the future, I wish to be someone who don’t complain outwardly (maybe just in the inside, though. I couldn’t help that). Maybe, one day I could be BOTH flexible AND resilient.
I guess the trick in dealing with me is to make things as ‘fait accompli’. Don’t give me choices. Just force me! I might complain and be angry at you but eventualy I’ll do it and I’ll accept it. If you give me choices and time to think, then you might not get what you want.
****
I am living a nomadic life.
After nearly a month of travelling around Orange, Snowy Mountains and Tumba Rumba, I went back to Newcastle. And after 3 weeks of being in my Edwards Hall room, I had to move here in 47 Kimian Avenue. And on Monday, again I’ll be on the move.
This time, I’ll be going to Tamworth for a regional clinical placement for 2 months.
Huh, hidup ku berpindah-randah dan tidak terurus.
When I was in 3rd year, I used to be very annoyed and anxious when things were ever-changing and never settling. Another autistic character of me; hating any change of routine! However, after working in a blueberry farm with a weather more fickle than a bitch with PMS, and after all the hectic life I have led this summer, I am begining to take all these changes in stride. No more anxiety or worries. I will just take the life I have been dealt with as I go along.
The only complaint I have (of course I must whine, LOL) is Suhaila and I was put in a hospital apartment with a male housemate. *sigh*. I hope he won’t party around in the house.
****
People been asking me about my “Gay Awareness Week” post that I promised to work on. I have been working on it and would put it in a WORD document. I am still accumulating arguments and scientific facts from all sides of the matter. Like I said, I want this to be a scientific argument so that every one (the gays, the Atheist, the religious, the agnostics) would all be able to appreciate and accept. So, it’s going to be, insya Allah, a serious project and it takes time considering I have tons of assignment some more literature reviews to do this year.
When all facts are gathered and the post written, I would attach the Word Document in one of the pages in this blog. So, please have patience as I know I am moving at a snail’s pace with this. However, my hectic schedule does not allow me the pleasure of an extended research into non-examinable materials in my final exam
*****
Bye everyone. I am off to Tamworth and may not get that much internet access. I may or may not be able to update as much, being there for two months. We’ll see how it goes.
Those who have never done house-hunting could never understand the migraine or the headache, focal or diffused, that would inflict you once you’ve embarked on the effort.
So please, take note. YOU CAN NEVER GET ALL THE CRITERIA THAT YOU WANT!!
My only criteria is…I just want ANY house, any thing remotely resembling a roof on the top of my head, would do.
They think MANY houses are available. Sayang-sayang ku sekelian, semua house yang kita inspect, tak semestinya kita dapat. So, kalau kita dah lucky enough to get a house, jangan laaa mengada-ngada nak tolak.
****
We did get a house at Morris St. So cheap! 124 per week, bills and internet included. Internet is 200 gig per month!! What more could you want? Asal2nya, kak yani nak letak aku, dayah , ain and two other persons (budak2 baru; still in Malaysia) untuk umah tu.
Aku dah bayar deposit 500 dollars (which would go into the bond when we get the deal finalized) to secure the house. Landlord pun baik (dan muda dan handsome) dan senang berurusan.
Tiba2, 2 orang budak baru tu cakap tak nak pula. Sorang tu nak duduk bersama-sama budak2 baru lain. Sorang lagi pulak sebab jauh ke apa ntah.
We panicked! Aku dah bayar deposit 500! Kitorang tak mampu nak bayar rent just the three of us kalau tak der lagi 2 housemates. Takkan nak biar 500 deposit burned gitu jer for backing out of a deal?
At last, we tried to get two Malaysian chinese girls to bunk with us. They said, “they want the house, but they want to bunk in with 3 other chinese girls.”
WHAT!! That’s not very nice since we were the one who inspect the house and have done all the effort. So, I said to Kak Yani.
“Kak Yani, saya lagi rela kasi umah tu kat mana2 brothers yang perlukan umah. Later diorang boleh bayarkan balik 500 tu kat saya. Saya tak nak kasi kat 2 chinese girls tu. Kalau diorang nak, cari sendiri.”
My patience, dear readers, is very limited!No one takes advantage of my effort and then wanting to ditch me! I much rather let the house go to another person!
So, instead of trying to find a house for myself, I was busy trying to find 5 other persons to replace me. So that my 500 won’t be burned and they can later pay me back.
So, finally we got first year medical student brothers who are brilliant enough to agree to get the house.
And there goes my dream house!
And I am still without a house!
****
Orang2 kat Malaysia mungkin tak faham. Diorang rasa rumah banyak kot! So, diorang rilek!
Padahal bukan setiap house yang kita inspect, kita akan dapat! Kita apply sahaja!
House memang banyak…cuma kalau kamu tak cerewet!Walaupun houses are plenty, orang yang nak apply pun ramai juga!!
Kita semua kalau boleh nak rumah yang ideal:
-dekat dengan uni
-dekat dengan Jesmond
-dekat dengan bus stop
-rent tak mahal
-tak payah share dengan Australians. Duduk dgn Malays sahaja (if you are renting rooms)
Macam-macam laa kerenah! Padahal, kalau dapat rumah pun kira bertuah laa!
Skrang ni, ada orang yang tolong buat kerja untuk kita. Next time kalau kita tak puas hati dan nak cari umah lain, silakanlah stay di Australia over the summer. Waktu tu, kita boleh mengada-ngada sesuka hati kita.
Macam aku, priority aku lain. I only have one more year to go (2 months away for another placement…so only 1 semester and a half jer tinggal untuk stay di NC)….aku tak kisah sangat dapat umah mcm mana pun sebab aku end up spend more time in hospital. Maybe weekend di library. So umah tu cuma untuk tidur, mandi, makan dinner. That’s it!
Kalau aku desperate sangat, I just have to rent a room….but the problem is, I might have to share the house with foreigners (even males!). So, I reserved that option until last minute. But I don’t have much time left! 22 Jan dah start kelas, I might have to be in Tamworth by then too. I wish to settle the matter here before I go to Tamworth!
****
Kita kena faham kesusahan orang lain deal untuk kita:
1) Dia kena check dan double check dengan ramai pihak. Kena check dengan orang kat Malaysia betul2 ke nak rumah ni. Nak tunggu diorang reply pun mcm menunggu buah tak gugur. Lepas tu, at the same time, dia kena deal dengan agent. Dan agent pula deal dengan landlord. So, please be prompt. Kalau orang tanya, cepat2 jawab. Kang dah bayar deposit, tiba2 cakap tak nak pula, menyusahkan orang!
2)Nak dapat rumah ni kena bayar bond. Bond tu usually 6 weeks of rent. Kalau rent rumah 620 per week…harga bond AUD 3720. Budak2 yang masih kat Malaysia, belum lagi buka akaun bank di sini. So, KakYani dengan baik hati mendahulukan duit dia dulu! Tu baru duit untuk satu rumah. Tapi Kak Yani kena carikan untuk banyak lagi rumah and all those houses will require bond money too.
3)Bila dah dapat satu rumah, tapi kita tolak, belum tentu akan dpt rumah lain. Kak Yani tried the best…but I imagine rumah2 ideal tu mestilah tenants tak nak keluar. Dan kalau ada rumah2 ideal itu (yang dekat dengan segalanya), maybe ada 2-3 bilik yang kosong but not the whole house. For some people, this is not an option.
So, sekali lagi terpaksa mencari-cari rumah just because kita tak nak masuk rumah yang kita dah dapat. Orang lain pun ada urusan lain juga nak buat. Bukan nak cari rumah untuk kita jer…diorang ada kelas yang hampir nak start, mungkin nak study, mungkin nak uruskan passport dan visa, mungkin nak hantar/ambil orang kat airport.
Jadi, minimize your fussiness.
****
Setakat ni, out of all houses that we have inspected, hanya satu saja rumah yang confirm dapat. Hanya rumah di Morris St. yang kitorang tolong dealkan untuk first year brothers.
Orang2 lain semua belum dapat rumah lagi walaupun rumah yang di-inspect dah banyak! Termasuklah aku yang masih terkontang-kanting ini.
So I told Kak Yani, “Next time Kak Yani cakap jer, kita cuma tolong cari sekali jer. Once you decline, that’s it! Cari sendiri.” But I know, Kak Yani is the kindest of soul. Aku jer yang jahat menghasut. hahaha. But I was exasperated on her behalf. Sebab aku dah rasa betapa peningnya nak buat deal dengan orang yang tiba2 nak back out of the deal..sedangkan duit deposit dah bayar. So, walaupun kak yani tak merungut macam aku, aku jadi geram bagi pihak Kak Yani sekali.
Aku menunggu samada rumah kat Vale St. tu akan dapat atau tidak. Once confirm tak dapat, then I will have to rent a room. Kalau dayah and ain tak nak ikut, terpaksalah aku rent sendiri and live on my own among unknown people. Aku dah biasa dah pergi toilet kena pakai tudung, pergi common room pun kena pakai tudung and all that. Time camping dekat Molong dan Tumba Rumba pun macam tu juga hidup aku. Free hair only in my own tent!
So, aku rasa tak ada bezanya, especially bila dah desperate ni. Besides, the first two months I won’t be in NC. One semester and a half of covering up except when I am locked up in my room is not much problem to me. I can do it and just think of it as another adventure.
I have kept my silence on these issues for a few days now. Mainly because I don’t like making a hasty judgment on things that I have not much idea of. I am not ashamed to admit my ignorance.
This is a sensitive issue, no?
On this issue alone, I could make several articles like the ones I did for my theory of knowledge. People from both sides of the argument have come up with many justification that the other party can shred with their own points.
If you are really fair and honest, you HAVE to reserve your judgment until you have actually read all of the justification from BOTH sides.
THE METHOD
I was grappling with my decision even after I have read (sampai mual dan muak) all I could get my hands on with regards to this issue.
I am a GEMINI. The signs of the twins. The dual signs!
Though I am not superstitious to believe in horoscopes, I coincidentally do have one dominant trait of the gemini. I can see BOTH sides of any argument! And that’s why it’s hard for me to make a decision because I could sympathize with BOTH!
In VERY RARE cases where the argument revolves around issues that has little to do with right and wrong, I usually side with HONESTY because I hate being manipulated. What you claim as your reason for doing something must be the honest reason you did do it.
I am no psychic, but I can usually FEEL it if people are honest and sincere. Of course, since I do put a lot of weight on concrete evidence, I usually refrain from making judgment base on how I FEEL. I am not a public sentimental fool! Just private one.
But when there’s no concrete evidence to be had, I decide on my instinct!
But in cases where justifications are abundant, and evidence are plenty…I would ignore any personal inclinations. And I would not regret the decision I have made even if I was proven wrong in the future. That is because at that time, with the limitations that exist at that time, I have made the best decision I could ever make.
It’s all about method.
TWO MAIN VIEWS
There are two main point of views here.But there are many sides issues. But the most important thing we need to understand here is what is your BASIS of argument? Do you argue base on other people’s RIGHTS to use the name Allah or do you argue base on how this court ruling would AFFECT the Muslims?
1) To argue base on the rights of others to use the name of Allah.
If you are arguing base on the rights of others to use the name Allah to refer to God, I am more inclinced to side with those who say that the Jews and the Christians have just as much rights to use the name of Allah to refer to God. Please have a look at these verses in the Quran which are basically proving that once upon a time, the word ALLAH is used by non-muslims to refer to God:
At- Taubah 9:30
Az-Zukhruf 43: 87-88
Al-Ankabut 29: 63
Al Hajj 22: 40
Al Maidhah 5 : 3
However, I can also understand the arguments of those who think that the name of Allah is the exlcusive rights of Muslims alone, especially when they are talking about the period AFTER Islamization (not just during jahiliyah) and when they are talking about the importance of language to someone’s worldview or mindset. I will simplify their argument as the following:
Perlu dibezakan penggunaan nama Allah dari sudut bahasa yang telah wujud di zaman Jahiliyah dengan penggunaan nama Allah AFTER ISLAMIZATION. Nowadays, most part of the world have recognized that Allah is the Islamic God. The Islamization process is THAT effective. Now, it seems like we are going backward…like we are passively allowing de-islamization to occur without a fight.
And I can understand this especially after I have read a few Malay medieval literatures (for example, Hikayat Inderaputera merupakan kitab saduran Hindu yang telah di-Islamisasikan). It’s SUCH a hard long work to Islamize a culture and a language. And now, we are going to turn back?
To quote from a website : “Dari sudut bahasa Allah bermakna Tuhan. Ayat-ayat tersebut turun ketika Islam mula diperkenalkan sebagai proses berdialog dengan kaum musyrikin. Setelah konsep-konsep penting dalam Islam jelas dan worldview Islam terbentuk maka di sini proses Islamisasi berlaku baik terhadap bahasa, budaya dan pemikiran masyarakat Arab. Oleh kerana itu dengan mendangkalkan makna Allah maka kita telah menafikan proses Islamisasi tersebut dan kembali seolah-olah Islam belum bertapak. Memang kita boleh membuat kesimpulan tidak menjadi masalah orang bukan Islam menggunakan nama Allah kerana hal tersebut “tampak” secara literalnya wujud dalam al-Qur’an. Namun, dalam berijtihad seseorang ilmuwan tidak boleh hanya bersandarkan kepada makna literal teks atau nas tetapi perlu juga melihat kepada maqasid dan falsafah yang mendasarinya sebagaimana telah ditegaskan oleh al-Shatibi.” (look I have very little idea what the last sentence means and I have no idea who al-Shatibi is. The only reason I include that sentence even though I don’t understand it, is to benefit those who DO understand it and can hopefully clarify to my readers what the people of this point of view wish to convey)
Language and names have a direct consequence to someone’s way of life and worldview. I quote the following message to clarify what those people of this point of view mean: ” Setiap istilah dalam semua bahasa mempunyai batas-batas makna yang sah yang mencerminkan pandangan alam tertentu, dan yang membezakan sesuatu istilah itu dengan yang lain.Persamaan yang banyak pun masih memerlukan istilah atau nama yang berbeza jika terdapat hanya satu perbezaan yang penting. Sebab itulah semua bahasa-bahasa yang tinggi mempunyai kamus. Keldai, kuda, baghal banyak persamaan tetapi terdapat perbezaan; dua manusia kembar siam juga diberi nama yang berbeza.Perkataan Allah, solat, tawhid, rasul, bahkan istilah Islam itu sendiri membawa makna yang tersendiri setelah diislamisasikan. Kalimat-kalimat ini telah menjadi bahagian penting daripada pandangan sarwa Islam (Islamic worldview). Jika ia dikaburkan maka sudah tentu akan memberi kesan kepada pemikiran dan aqidah umat Islam.”
As you can see, I present the second argument much longer than the first. Almost a very unbalanced review. Almost as though I was more in sympathy with the second view. But like I said, I am more inclined to believe the first argument; that the Christians have just as much rights to the name of Allah. To me, the verses I have included are convincing enough. We can talk about the principles of languge and culture or talk about the concept of Islamization or what nots (which are not unimportant, in fact very-very vital in the propagation of Islam) but to me if Allah does not have any problems with others using his name to refer to God, who are we to decide otherwise?
2) To argue base on the EFFECTS or the IMPLICATIONS of the court ruling.
If your argument is based on the effects of the court ruling to the akidah of Malaysian muslim, and view this as a challenge to the rights of Islam in a country where Islam is the official religion, then again I can see that the effects are alarming and would be great indeed.
Siapa tak marah kalau kita rasa non-muslims sudah naik tocang, demand itu dan ini.
Siapa tak risau, kalau kita rasa generasi muda muslims akan terpesong
Siapa tak membara kalau kita rasa ini merupakan satu dakyah Kristian yang paling licik dan mahkamah seolah-olah menyokong mereka.
Siapa tak tercabar apabila keputusan mahkamah (yang dibuat oleh hakim kafir pula tu) seolah-0lah memang sengaja nak mencabar kewibawaan orang Islam di negara ini.
Picture this coversation :
Salim yang emotional: Melampau! Orang-orang kafir ni telah naik tocang! Mencabar agama Islam.
Abu yang ketakutan: Aku risau! Takut generasi muda kita terpesong dan keliru dengan dakyah Kristian
Ahmad yang cool dan over-confident: Rilek arr korang ni. Mungkin ini satu opportuniti untuk kita berdakwah juga kepada mereka. Menunjukkan Islam ini adil kepada semua kaum. Lagipun, siapa kata orang Islam yang akan keliru. Orang Kristian pun boleh keliru juga. Silap2 haribulan, diorang yang masuk Islam. Hah, time tu baru padan muka Herald tu. It’s a fact that in the rest of the world, people recognize Allah as the Islamic God. If anyone is going to be confused, it’s going to be the Christians. Not us!
Abu yang ketakutan: Ko cakap memang pandai! Ko tahu tak berapa ramai dah orang2 Melayu yang murtad? Siapa nak bertanggungjawab kalau murtad berleluasa nanti disebabkan oleh dakyah2 Kristian ni? It’s confusing. Kita takkan tahu mana satu konsep Islam dan mana satu konsep Kristian. Bercampur aduk semuanya dan keliru!
Ahmad yang cool dan over-confident : Tu pasallah kita kena start jadi orang yang pro-active. Sampai bila kita nak takut apa yang bakal terjadi, takut dengan bayang2 sendiri. Takut tentang benda yang belum pasti. Kalau kita dah tahu orang akan confuse, kita kuatkanlah dakwah kita. Educate the muslims. Banyakkan program2 dakwah.
Abu yang ketakutan : Hang ni cakap ja pandai! Do we have the man-resource to do all that? Pernah bercakap dgn pegawai2 agama? dengan ustaz atau counsellor? Pernah ambil tahu betapa kroniknya kes2 murtad? Mampukah kita? Jangan sudah terhantuk baru terngadah!
Agh…tedious conversation! Basically, macam tu lah lebih kurangnya argument orang2 yang argue base on EFFECTS and IMPLICATIONS. They are either emotional, in fear, or too confident without knowing the real reality out there.
But somehow, I feel like this particular basis of argument is inferior to the ones which is based on rights. This to me, is an argument for the coward (if they are afraid of the effects of the court ruling to future generation) or the rash (if they are angry about the audacity of the court to challenge the religion of the Malays) or the over-confident (if they are non-chalant of the effects of the court ruling).
BASIS MANA YANG LEBIH VALID
In my humble opinion, the only basis that should matter is the one based on rights! Because rights is concrete evidence, rights is undeniable, rights is factual.
Meanwhile the arguments which were based on EFFECTS and IMPLICATIONS are emotional and would never be able to trump or deny the argument based on rights! Macam mana kita risau apa yang akan terjadi kepada generasi masa depan sekali pun…kita tidak boleh ambil hak orang lain! That’s what justice is all about!
Jadi, saya menyeru kepada semua orang yang nak argue pasal benda ni dengan orang Kristian, jangan sekali2 argue base on the effects that this court ruling would do to US! But argue based on rights!
-If you are of the opinion that they have the rights to the name of ALLAH, then say so with your own evidence and dalil!
-If you are of the opinion that they DON’T have the rights to the name of ALLAH, then say so with your own evidence and justification.
But never ever, argue based on your fear of what’s going to happen, your rashness and your over-confidence. Because you will lose!! Orang Kristian boleh senang2 cakap, “Oh, just because kau takut dan lemah untuk mengajar generasi sendiri, kau nak sekat hak kami! Adil ke gitu?”
And they would be right to say that! And you will have nothing intellectual to back you up other than quoating some akta2 bawah perlembagaan! Seperti biasa, perlembagaan kita memang memihak kepada kita. Kita memang sentiasa bergantung kepada perlembagaan untuk dapat perlindungan. Sangat pathetic! Tapi, secara universalnya, akta kita memang berat sebelah menyokong kita. Memang tidak adil pun!
Well, itu kalau nak argue dengan orang Kristian lah…just guna basis of rights no matter which side you are on. Tapi in our own private time, when we are just discussing among Muslims and not arguing with the non-muslims, then we have to recognize that INDEED this court ruling is dangerous to us. And it’s time we start thinking and do SOMETHING about it!
Yes, I am of the opinion that the Christians have the rights to the usage of the name Allah. However, that doesn’t mean I am complacent and do not recognize the danger of it all.
I have analyzed the adavantage and disadvantage of the court ruling to us, Muslims in Malaysia:
Advantage:
-Seperti Ahmad yang over confident itu, I believe that muslims are not the only ones who can be confused! Come one! The WHOLE wide world say Allah is the Islamic God. Don’t you think this can be dangerous to the future generation of Christians as well? It is so very likely that they are going to face with a MUCH more major confusion than us.
-This is a MAJOR opportunity for dakwah! Yes, I know I said Christians have the rights to the name ALLAH, but that doesn’t mean I credit their cunning-ness and dishonesty! We KNOW why they insist to use Allah… it has nothing to do with wanting to claim their rights. I am not that naive! We KNOW their hidden agenda. But their plan may just backfire when more and more Christians become curious about why now God is referred as ALLAH when the whole world recognize Allah is the Islamic God. Curiosity is a powerful thing, and they will start researching, insya Allah. People have come to Islam with less significant prompt than this!
-We would have shown to the world that Islam is indeed just and fair and takes care of everybody’s rights based on the principle of truth.
Disadvantage:
-The Muslims can also be confused. In fact the rate of murtad is alarming. We may not have the man power to triple our propagation activities.
-Secondly, they can be confused.
-Thirdly, they can be confused
(you get the idea! That is the ONLY major disadvantage)
-Fourthly, they might start using the name of Allah in their crosses and their statues and their shirts! (however I undertsand that the court ruling is only limited to the Herald publication. I am not sure whether they are given the rights to use the name ALLAH in any other way or any other publication or printings. Please inform me if anyone knows).
Solution:
Education and Islamic Propagation are the keys here! We need to make use of all tools of dakwah from now on! Sebenarnya Muslim dah lama confused. Tak payah tunggu isu nama Allah ni!
Dulu, aku pun confused! Cuma tak murtad saja! Siapa yang tak pergi sekolah agama atau datang daripada family yang kurang beragama (x faham akidah walaupun amalan dalam rukun Islam complete) betul2 YAKIN ke dengan Islam?
Being a Muslim is an intellectual journey….if you haven’t gone through the intellectual process, your Islam is just your birth inheritance which would not get you far! If you haven’t questioned and haven’t researched other religions and haven’t answered all your questions regarding the most fundamental Islamic creed, don’t bother to say you are truly going to be steadfast.
Some questions that all Muslims should know by now:
-Does God really exist? Do you really believe so or are you just behaving like a parrot repeating what your ustazah told you? If you really do believe God exists, then why?
-If God exists, do you believe that He would have sent guidance to mankind? Or do you believe he created us for His amusement and let us do whatever we please?
-If you think God has sent guidance to mankind, then, where can the guidance be found? Which religion? What are the differences between them? If you think Islam is the right religion, then why?
If you have known all these questions, the rest would be easy.
And the education is what we are lacking! As long as we lack that, we will always react defensively and always in fear of what is to come!
I urge everyone to be more creative in finding answers to your questions. The high school text books are not going to cut it! Challenge your intellect. Start reading International Islamic books. Start with Ahmed Deedat’s THE CHOICE….I can get the hardcover version for 5 dollars in Australia. Start with Harun Yahya’s THE DECEIT OF EVOLUTION! Both of these figures give scientific facts as well as convincing arguments to strengthen your faith…until insya Allah your belief is no longer weakened by bouts of doubts which you try to suppress every now and then.
There are so many You Tube resources of great public speakers:
-Dr. Zakir Naik
-Brother Nouman Ali Khan
-The Deen Show
-Sheikh Khalid Yasin
-Yusuf Estes
Start being proactive NOW before it’s too late!
On a last note, this post has nothing to do with politics! I am happy to see that MOST people have been supporting a particular view with no regards to their political aspirations. Before deciding to write on this, I have read the writings of the usual ‘berkecuali and atas pagar’ personalities like Mahaguru58, Zulkifli Noordin, Dr. MAZA, and some other websites which discuss this issue in an academic point of view…they all have different point of views and worth the read. I came to my decision after having read a lot of sources.
I just would like to remind those who are actually sooo pro-UMNO or sooo hangit PAS, or sooo pro-Anwar, to stop arguing just to champion your politics! People can tell whether or not you are actually arguing for the religion or for your own political agenda, regardless of which sides you are on. For example, Zulkifli Noordin and Dr. MAZA seems to have different point of views, but I don’t doubt that they are both sincere. And Mahaguru58 has always been berkecuali…and this time he is against the usage of the name Allah by the Christians, and I don’t doubt that his opinion has no political agenda too.
What I mean is, it does NOT matter to me what you choose to support, but at least decide it HONESTLY!
P/S: I abhorr hypocrisy and dishonesty of any kind! To the Christians who insist to use the word Allah to refer to God in the Christian religion, let me tell you that I, for one, do not deny you the rights you claim is your main reason you want it so. You can use the rights however you like. All I question is the pretentious manner in which you are trying to disguise your agenda. Frankly speaking, the disgust I felt towards your method of deception is nauseating!
Salam people. Hope this post reach everyone in good health, insya Allah.
I am delighted to declare that my little adventure in the remote part of Australia was everything I could ever wish it to be. I was in excellent health through out the whole 24 days of living within very limited means and am proud of everyone of us who’s gone through the journey.
The theme for our adventure this time was “Pengislahan Diri” and indeed I felt like I have become a better person after going through the challenges and the hurdles that came left and right ever since we were musafir. Thank Allah for the strength.
I have decided to record my experience of this adventure. If you are interested to know about the journey that all fruit pickers had to go through, you can read all about them under the page “Berry Picking – first job” under the widget “Pages and Pages of Life”. I was now up to my first three days of adventure and will keep updating it as time goes by, hopefully before the school open this year.
Final Exam Result
Alhamdulillah, I passed my final exam last semester. And next year would be my 5th year. To be exact, it would be my final year as a medical student. I imagine everyone would put a lot of stress on you seeing that you are about to graduate soon and you should know almost everything by now. Ugh. That is rarely the case.
Humans are forgetful creatures. Even constant repetition would not guarantee you could commit to memory 100% of what you are learning. May Allah help me go through this final year with ease.
But overall, 4th year is the hardest hurdle of all. People said that one you’ve passed 4th year, you need not worry because 5th year is more like pre-internship. You just go through the rotation and graduate at the end of the year. No more paper exams after this!
Well, thank God for that.
House Hunting
Can you believe the rudeness and the audacity of Edwards Hall? I have been such a loyal tenant for 4 years….always keeping the unit clean. We always got rewards for cleanliness every week!
Can you believe the nerve of the administration! They decided that they are only going to allow 30% of students to return to Edwards Hall and 70% would be new students.
What the…. (I refused to let Edwards Hall make me swear!)
It’s such a bother, really! Because when you move out, you will need more money. My stuff already fit the furniture in Edwards Hall. If I move out to an unfurnished house, I need to buy my own furniture. But if I move out to a furnished house, I still might need to buy some other furniture to fit all my stuff accumulated for more than 4 years. Certainly I would need to buy big bookshelves to fit all my books!
And all this trouble for only one year of study!
I was so upset that I sent an email of reproach to Edwards Hall administration. I told them that “Had I known that I would be forced to move out in my final year, I would have abandoned Edwards Hall a long time ago. At least all the effort and the money spent would have been much more worth it!”
Before this, the policy was “returning students get first preference rather than new ones.”
But I guess they’ve changed the policy this year because Luce (the previous head of college) has retired and now Edwards Hall has a new head of college who is as stupid as he is troublesome! Ugh!
How could they have not given any consideration to the FINAL year student? Dahlah rent mahal nak mampos! And this is how they treat their most loyal tenant!
So that was the reason I had to come back early from my adventure…because I need to do some house hunting.
Kak Yani has helped a lot in terms of finding us a house. It was a hell of a headache for her because she needed to find houses for new 1st year students too. And new archiecture student as well as the IMU student.
I don’t have the patience to deal with finding one house, let alone several! Poor Kak Yani. But her selflessness must be one of the reason she’s so adorable. I hope everybody appreciate her effort and not give unnecessary headache…like backing out on a deal after it’s been made!
Tolonglah jgn bagi nampak Malaysian ni susah untuk di-deal dengan. When we have agreed on a house, the landlord would have to draft a contract. If you are too fussy and keep backing out of the deal, benda ni menyusahkan orang! Menyusahkan Kak Yani, menyusahkan landlord dan menyusahkan housemate2 yang you have agreed to bunk with!
Okay, I better not go further with my leteran. Because I could feel the heat coursing through my blood. If I talk more about my dissatisfaction with some of the very asinine attitude of some people, I would never be able to stop!
My only reminder to myself and everyone else is “Please appreciate other people’s effort of looking for a house for you and don’t give them a headache with your many conditions and requirements and then backing out on a deal. They help you out of the goodness of their heart and ask nothing in return. Their selflessness should be thanked by being less fussy and sticking to the deal.”
You wouldn’t believe it…but I chose to spend my summer in Australia.
I couldn’t believe it myself, but there you have it….The most un0orthodox decision I have ever made with regards to Australia.
My reasons for staying were:
1)Malas laa nak pack barang letak dlm storage and then later nak transfer barang from storage back to uni. And then nak arrange the room all over again…and all for the sake of another year of school ONLY. Like…all the (sweaty) effort just for another year?
2)Next year, insyaAllah, will be the last year of medicine. So, I just want to travel and see places ENOUGH so that I could put all these behind me properly once I leave Australia permanently. Because once I leave Australia, I don’t plan to come back. If I got too much money than I know what to do with (entah bila ia akan berlaku, hahha) I might as well travel to other places I haven’t been yet, right?
3)I thought I should at least try working in the farm, picking cherries…just to have a taste of what it’s all about. I mean, it’s ALMOST a culture that Malaysian students studying overseas would take up summer job in some farm or other. So, I want to be able to brag to other people “I’ve been there and done that.” (shallow MUCH?)
4) I can save up the money on plane tickets and souveniers. (though my friends who are very economically-conscious would shake their head and say “Afiza, ko bayar accommodation for summer lagi mahal tau tak?!!”)
All those reasons mattered of course. But the truth is, the only TRUE reason is the NUMBER ONE:
I am just too LAZY to go through all the fuss for only ONE YEAR. And for that, I am paying a lot. I know it was a very un-wise decision, economically, but I really couldn’t be bothered to think too much about money. I mean, I am not rich and I don’t have lots of money in the bank, but I have enough to live nicely and comfortably and not starved. And for someone who don’t need much in life, it’s enough.
I don’t like to worry about money. I don’t like to worry about not having enough money. And when having enough money, worry about saving up more. That’s just too much worries than I could handle, lol.
So whatever money I have, I spent them exactly as I need…aku tak pernah nak pulun save beriya-iya but at the same time I don’t spend them frivorously on brands or electronic gadgets that would change every six months. I don’t even spend them on clothes.
I just spend them on food and coffee and books…and they can be expensive (because I need coffee everyday and food every 4 hours, lol)
So, people sometimes wonder where did my money go? Because I don’t have this cool electronic gadgets or this amazingly gorgeous outfit to show for my dwindling bank account. I don’t have any branded handbags or shoes to show for my lack of savings in the bank. Because all my spendings are in the things that you could not see…or even if you could see them (like my books) you don’t appreciate them or value them the way that I do.
But the thing is, I like how I spend my money. And even though some people think that I am not wise in my economy, I just could not change the habit of a life time.
So, again, this summer I spend my money on the invisible….the expensive accommodation in exchange for a comfortable life of tidak merempat di rumah orang. I hate cramming at other people’s houses. Macam mana mahal pun, I want my own things around me, just within my reach just in case I need it! Cuti sampai sebulan lebih…takkan nak merempat rumah orang sampai sebulan kot! It’s just not me. I am just not comforatble with the kind of life that is too different than my normal life. I am a very rigid, unbending person…I like things the way they have always been. In those times when deviation from the norm do occur, there would be a threshold limit to the deviation, beyond which I would be loathed to bear it.
My rigidity can be both an advantage and a disadvantage.
****
Wani just called me to say that the summer job has been confirmed…and we’ll leave for Orange, next Monday insya Allah.
But Izati is planning to come…and even though we’ve already agreed that if I got a job faster than she could come, I’ll go for the job. But still…it’s such a shame that I don’t get to see her when she’s touring Australia.
I was also thinking of the civilization I would leave behind when I go to Orange.
I always know that I don’t need to be rich because I don’t need to live luxuriously…but I want a comfortable life with basic necessities that serve their function. Sleeping in a tent, complete with communal shower and working under the heat does not sound too comfortable for me. And while the extra money is kind of gooood (oh soo good)…but it’s not like I am desperate for the money.
Maybe I can work for like 3 days…thinking like, “This is camping!!” but for the whole month? Ehem ehem…cam tak boleh jer.
Picking cherries may be fun, initially, especially since we are allowed to eat them as we pick…however, when the boredom sets in…will I be able to bear it under the EXTREME summer heat?
Well, I guess this is the usual case of me worrying too much before deciding to do anything different. I really should be more flexible… I know. But I couldn’t help it. I go through all these possibilities that could go wrong before I can truly decide to do something. And the fact that what I am planning to do is not going to be very comfortable, makes it even harder for me to feel good about it.
Maybe all I should do is just go ahead and just DO it and worry about it later.
Amidst all these worries and consideration, there exist a small thrill of excitement as I ponder the adventure that lies ahead of me for the next few weeks. And that little thrill of embarking on a new unexplored life territories makes it ALMOST worth all these worries of saying good bye to all the trappings of civilization as I have known it.
And now, let’s say hello to the future cherries waiting for my dainty little fingers to pick.
But my heart bleeds. And the force of the pain makes me short of breath.
****
To those who don’t know who Kimdonesia was, I will just give a brief introduction about her, the way I thought of her.
I found out about her a few months ago while I was searching in YouTube for videos of ‘reverts to Islam’. And stumbled upon her channel. I was excited to see this very young (17 years old) teenager who was fascinated with Indonesia when she had lived there two years ago. She wore hijab and practiced the religion while still living with her non-muslim family. I was excited to see that there are open-minded Australians out there, who would not ex-communicate their teenage child when the said child chose to believe. She was (still is) very famous in the You Tube among Muslims and even appeared on some international interviews over the radio and everything. She made lots of videos about her life as a Muslim; she seemed to live it and breathe it that I was so proud and at the same time humbled by her dedication towards Islam eventhough she only just converted a year ago. She also got a blog which I had linked to mine and I followed her progress in the short few months that I knew her.
Imagine my utter horror, when one day I was looking at my blog stats and noticed that one of the ’search’ that somebody had done to reach to my blog was ‘Kimdonesia left Islam’. I was very shocked and angry at the unknown person who would do such search for I thought this must be the ultimate fitnah…But at the same time, I was curious about what had triggered the person to search for such topic. So, I clicked on Kimdonesia’s blog…and the result I got was : the blog’s gone, vanished. Like it never was.
So, I went to You Tube, and searched for her channel. Again, I met with the same unfortunate result. The channel was closed.
Forever?, I wondered, then.
I wondered what happened? I could not believe that she had left Islam.And until I found out for sure, I would not blog about my inner speculation then, lest I spread a fitnah. Besides, I was also busy with exams, but my mind was constantly disturbed by what other people been talking about her, even though at that time, Kimdonesia did not confirm anything.
You see, I have this policy in my life…that I will never believe an account of a third party unless the persons involved themselves tell me. (even then, we need to apply caution in our judgement). For example, I don’t go around judging SIS as ’sesat’ unless I read it myself what their stands are in their own website regarding certain Islamic issues. I would not say ‘Astora Jabat is sesat’ if I have never read his own writing with my own eyes (and I still don’t think anyone can say he is sesat; who are you to judge?). I would not say Ustaz Asri is wahhabi, if I have never even heard his talk. I would not say anything as BIG as implying someone else’s faith is less than mine, UNLESS that person herself/himself say in no uncertain terms that something really is so.
In cases of ambiguity where a statement could be interpreted in thousand of different ways, I would take the safest route and took the kindest meaning I could ascribe to it. Because even though I was not always fair, but I wanted to be fair and I wanted to at least put some effort in being fair.
But after a few days of wondering what was the deal with Kimdonesia, I found out the video I put up there. She claimed in no uncertain terms that she has left Islam, and I was left with no ambiguity whatsoever.
I was shocked first. And then saddened by her decision.
I forgot my Paediatrics book for awhile and just sat there on my bed in bewilderment. I thought, she was a very strong believer…like most reverts always are compared to the ‘inherited’ Muslims. She didn’t convert because she wanted to MARRY anyone, but rather because she actually saw Islam as the right way of life (or that was what I thought was the case). She was passionate about wearing hijab…even understood and defended the wearing of it in her blog. She was conscious about halal and non-halal food (was it Marsmallow that she blogged about?) and she went into a complete wardrobe change. I think her clothes were even more modest than mine. She did all the daily prayers, and she had fasted in her first (and only) Ramadhan and she had been reading a LOT of Islamic books and can quote hadeeths and knew about the basic hadeeths as any other average Muslims.
And then, THIS? This sudden de-conversion of her totally befuddled me.
And then, there seemed to be many, many Vlog in YouTube as a response to ‘Kimdonesia Left Islam’ video. One muslim brother even went so far as to blame the sisters for her having left Islam. It created some tension in the ummah (among those who are familiar with her).
I am not going to point fingers of blame here, on anyone. I would not say bad things to Kim, but rather I wanted to blog my response to what she said in the video. I always think that being emotional about any issues is counterproductive. Rather, you need to look at the issue rationally and realistically and counter them base on logical reasoning. You won’t win an argument by being malicious and saying “Go To Hell, you apostate.” or “F**k you, you fag!”. I mean, if you don’t like homosexuality, then address the issue of homosexuality reasonably; don’t be offensive and don’t put a lable on the people just to make them angry. It’s counter productive and it’s childish!
I mean, if someone wants to criticize Islam, I am much more likely to have a certain respect towards the person who argued with me logically, rather than someone who showed me his middle finger and said “fuck off, Islam” to me in the street. The same principle should be applied for every sensitive issues.
Now regarding what Kimdonesia had said:
1) Her dog died, and she went into deep depression and didn’t see any point to life anymore.
Dog is a man’s best friend, isn’s that what they say?
And this is a perfect example of how much a dog can influence your whole fate. When we are in an emotional state of mind, it becomes really hard to be objective about our reasoning.
But my question is, was it the death of the dog that had triggered her de-conversion? She never really said that it really was the reason…
From the video, I got the gist that it was not any praticular logical reason per se that made her de-converted, but rather a chain of events and emotional turmoil that had led her to de-convert, Allah knows best.
I mean, she did not de-convert because someone had come up with a better religion, or because someone had logically argued with her about Islam. She is too smart and too knowledgeable now about Islam that NONE of the usual media lies could be used to sway her out of the religion. She knew that women are not less than men, she knew that we did not cover our head in a ‘towel’ just because we are oppressed, she knew that the concept of God in Islam, that God is one, has more clarity of truth than the trinity of Christianity which remained a mystery till these days.
But what made her de-convert was a chain of events that had an impact on her emotionally. Her dog died, and then she began thinking about the fate of her non-Muslim family if they were thrown in the hell fire.
Perfectly, understandable thoughts and anxieties.
Who does not love their pet? (even though I wouln’t know since I never have one). Who does not love their family and want the best for them in the hereafter? Even our prophet Muhammad S.A.W was greatly saddened that her kind and loving Uncle died as a non-Muslim.
But these are emotional events….none of them should be made as a reason for conversion or de-conversion.
However, it can become a trigger that can lead you to the truth, or away from the truth.
My friend died in a car crash when I was 19, and THAT jolted me into learning more about Islam. Even though I was already a practicing Muslim since birth, but my faith is made much stronger afterwards because I began to research more about Islam. And Islam become important to me…before, it was just something I did as a Muslim.
But just because my friend died in car crash and I was in a shock, would that make Islam be more logical, all of a sudden? Or would that make Islam less relevant? Who knows which pathway the event could trigger us to choose? But whatever the pathway is, the path was not any more true or any more false than it was previously. Islam has always been the truth, regardless of whether or not I was in a shock after my friend died. Her death was just a trigger for me to THINK, nothing more and nothing less.
In Kimdonesia’s case, that trigger led her away from Islam.
But you will be surprised that in another person’s case, his dog’s death was the reason he stumbled into Islam. It’s amazing how the same triggers, could lead us to choose two different paths. May Allah in his infinite wisdom guide us through all our emotional turmoils in the best way possible. Below, I put two videos about how an Australian guy found Islam after his dog died that led to an intellectual journey.
2) Her family will be thrown into the hell fire
She mentioned that she could not understand why perfectly good and kind people would go to hell just because they are not Muslims. She felt that the concept of God in Islam was different than what she wanted for God to be…
It’s amazing that a lot of people are confused about this issue. It’s true that non-believers would not get into Paradise…but there’s a condition attached to it. The non-believer would not enter paradise, only after the truth of Islam is presented upon her, yet she still refused.
A Kafiir is translated as someone who rejects the truth.
If a non-Muslim has never known the true Islam, and refused to enter Islam because she hates terrorism, because she hates women oppression, because she hates wife-beating….then, that does not mean she was rejecting Islam or the truth. Because the terrorism, the women oppression and the wife beating is NOT Islam…so not entering Islam base on that reasons are not wrong.
That’s why there’s a concept of dakwah…so that in the day of judgement no one should be able to say, I have never heard of Islam or I only heard the worse of Islam and that was why I did not convert. That was the reason prophets were sent…so that no disbelievers can say, “Oh God, why didn’t you send us a Messenger to guide us?”
Finding God is an insticnt. If we have always been a Muslim, we probably don’t understand that. But if you talk to foreigners (as I have been fortunate enough to have Australian acquaintances) it will become apparent to you that everyone instinctively seek religion…they keep on questioning and questioning. How else do you think people convert to Islam or find Islam, at last?It’s because once they have developed an abstract thinking in their teenage years, these questions become important. They needed to know!
But what happened was, people got distracted. They got distracted by the booze/alcohol, by the fun of drugs, by sex, and then for awhile they ignored that instinct to seek God. But in their more sober state, they would start thinking again and do some casual research over the net. And then they got distracted again. And the same cycle goes on and on and on. Until, if they are fortunate, they meet with a life-impacting event that truly make them think long enough and search more about the purpose of life.
If you see the party-going mat sallehs and the drunk people on the street, do not think that in their more sober state, they do not do any thinking whatsoever. They do. It just did not seem that way when you saw them in a party. You only saw the happy faces and the racy jokes and the freedom of young age. But when they are alone, in their room, they WOULD start thinking. For those who have always had religion, they did not understand what the non-believers are going through. It’s ALWAYS at the back of their mind. I have Australian friends and even the most flirtatious, seductive, fun party-goers speculate about God…
So, in the first place, nature had given us the instinct to seek God. And in the second place, we are given an intellectual mind to weigh and compare between many religions. And in the third place, there are always events and happenings that would trigger us to keep on searching. So, when you think about it, life is a journey to search God. And the end result is either you find God or you don’t. And along the journey, this life provides us with lots of distractions… in the form of exams maybe, or our love interests, or our obsessions and hobbies, our family and kids, our goals and ambition…
The game is, whether or not you can USE that hobby, whether or not you can USE that ambition to further your journey in your quest to seek God. Some people made a hobby of writing….do you make your writing as tool of dakwah? Some people wants to become a doctor, do you make yourself as a Muslim doctor who are concerned about ethical issues surrounding the medical world? Whether or not you make sure your kids follow the religion…
That’s why as a Muslim we have to make sure these things, that become distractions for a non-muslim, can be turn into Ibadah. If not, we are a failure in life! Wake up! And think about what you are doing day in and day out; you don’t know how long your journey would last!
In the case of Kimdonesia’s family…who is to know when or if they will ever convert. Maybe they are still undergoing the journey. If you search in You Tube, a grandma of 80 years old can convert…imagine 80 years of SIN gone, washed away. Allah is MOST kind, and no one will be unfairly judged. If Kimdonesia truly believe that her family is kind and good people, then maybe one day they will convert. For Kimdonesia to turn away from Islam, on the basis of her family MIGHT be turn into hell fire because they are not Muslims NOW, it’s a preposterous decision. In fact, she should be the ONE to show her family the right way.
I have blogged in one of my previous post about Sister Roslinda who became a muslim after her husband had converted THREE years previously. But Kimdonesia only started being a Muslim about a year ago….who is to say what would happen three years down the track?
Now, I would present to you the type of person, who in spite of KNOWING the truth, would turn away from the truth. And these are the people I meant who would go to hell fire. This is a real conversation I had with a tutorial mate of mine. It was triggered by a discussion in my sexual counselling tutorial about homosexuality and abortion. And then, like discussing all contorversial and ethical issues, of course, it then became a discussion of religion! In this convesation, S is an Australian who practices Hindu.
S: So, is it true that you believe those who are not muslims, would go to hell fire?
Me: (my first instict was to say…Christianity has the same concept too, why aren’t you attacking that religion? But that kind of reasoning would not do anything to convey the truth of my religion, so I did not go down that pathway)
Yes, that’s what we believe. Those who are not Muslims would not enter paradise. But we believe that if the non-Muslims have never heard of Islam, or never knew the True Islam, other than the lies depicted by the media, then she/he would be forgiven.
S: But what if they knew about Islam, and still did not want to become a Muslim?
Me:Maybe, that’s because they knew about Islam…but not the real Islam. If you don’t want to become Muslim because you don’t agree with terrorism and all the other stigmas depicted by the media, then that doesn;t mean you reject Islam. Because that’s not Islam. The person is only responsible on the decision base on what she knew…not what she didn’t know.
S:Okay, so what if they knew the true Islam and is convinced that it’s the truth, but just does not want to become a Muslim.
Me: (I was quite speechless. WHY wouldn’t you become a Muslim, when you know it’s the truth.)
I don’t understand. You mean the person is convinced about Islam after knowing the true Islam, and yet still does not want to become a Muslim?
S: Yes…what if she just doesn’t think that kind of lifestyle suits her?
Me: (I took a deep breath) Then, she would not enter paradise.
See? At the end, I just had to say that.
That’s exactly the kind of kafir we talk about! The fact that S could think in her mind that kind of imaginary person who would choose to be that way, meant that there ARE human beings who are like that. Who knows the truth, but doesn’t want to do it.
In a smaller scale, we could see this in our daily lives. We KNOW that not covering ourselves properly is wrong…but we just doesn’t want to comply. Just because we don’t want to.
Or, we KNOW that drinking alcohol is BAD, not just for your religion but also for your health (I am a medical student and I KNOW this!!), but we just don’t want to comply.
We knew having unprotected sexual intercourse can predispose someone to STD but judging by the the number of STD patients presenting to sexual health clinic, people just DON’T comply on what they knew but on what they FEEL. So if you can imagine this thing…then you can understand that there exist some people who are convinced of Islam, but just doesn’t want to go that way.
And in the face of such arrogance…how can you think the hell fire is not fair? We are not talking about people who misunderstood about Islam…but people who have been guided by instinct to seek religion, by events in their life to research and choose religion, by interactions with Muslims to be interested in Islam…and at last after convinced of the truth… STILL reject Islam. Is the hell fire not fair or more than fair??
3)God in Islam is not what she feels God should be.
If the God in the Quran is not what Kimdonesia imagine God should be, it does not make God act any differently. Just because she feels that God should be this way and not that way, it doesn’t make the One God any less than HE would be. In fact, we are the one who should comply to the standard that God has set for us. How come we see it fit to put standards to God and base on our own personal preference, wants God to be this way and that way. How about if another person have another different standard…and the next person have another different standard about how God should be and not be…
So, it’s RIDICULOUS to reject Islam just because we don’t get it our way.
4) She said “My life does not need religion”.
Good luck to you, then.
5)She’s happy without Islam. This is not just a phase. She didn’t think she’ll ever come back.
I still remember one of her posts in her blog when she said something like this, (I don’t remember it properly) “To those who think that my conversion to Islam is just a phase, then it will serve them right when I am greying and old and still practice the religion. “
I was very proud, at that time, at her level of conviction. But she had gone back on her words then and had proven that indeed her conversion to Islam was a phase.
I am just wondering whether or not this recent development could also be a phase. Whatever it is, I had prayed for her during her earlier days of de-conversion. For some reason, I have stopped.
8 ) Muslims friends had ditched her after her de-conversion
I guess, a lot of people would feel emotionally about her de-conversion, especially those who are very close to her. I don’t know how I would act if I have a close friend who has rejected Islam.
I see myself as trying to convince her to return to the true way of life. But if after all effort has been done and there’s nothing left to do, what then?
Even if I did not ditch her, our lives would be different. There would always be some awkward moments. I would always argue with her…mostly because I care about her. But she would not see it that way.
How else can we be friends?
Kimdonesia mentioned that friendship has nothing to do with religion.
Really??? Think about it….
I mean, I do have Australian friends; my tutorial mates, my clinic mates…I am friendly with them, some of them I chat with regularly.But my friendship with them are connected by the fact that we shared the same class, we went through the same hardship as a med student, we understood the stupid sexual jokes when learning about Obstetrics and Gynae, and we have the same hatred towards the same teacher.If we don’t share that…would I be friends with them? Isn’t that how friendship is…that once you move on with your life, you may contact one another just to catch up…but as time pass by, your emotional connection become watered down, less intense though still friendly.
Some people have friends base on having the same hobbies. Or These are the friends I take to go clubbing together. Or these are the friends I study with. Or these are the friends I met at the Archery club.
Among Muslim friends, my number one factors in friendship is based on religion. We have the same religion. We pray together, we celebrate Eid together, we fasted together, we break our fast together, we went to the mosque together…and if that connection is gone, what is left of the friendship. I might say hi every now and then, I suppose, but then what?
So, really, if friendship is not based on religion…then on what SHOULD it be based on, that makes it more valid to be based on other than religion?
I mean among my Australian friends, it would be based on hobbbies and not religion…so in the first place not having the same religion, was not something we had in mind when starting a friendship.
But when the friendship began with a lot of factors…the same religion, the same hobbies, the same studies….then not having the same religion later DOES impact on the friendship, whether you like it or not.
I guess, my feeling is, friendship is based on a lot of things…but if one of the things is religion, then that is the most important basis. So much so that if it were present during the start of a relationship, but not present NOW, then the friendship would be NOTHING!!
You may think that “But it shouldn’t be so, yadda, yadda, yadda.” but it IS so. Because, if friendship needs to have a basis on, then can anyone give a valid justification why it should be this but not that? No one can.
But you can look at the trend. That once someone has gone out of their orginal religion, a strong feeling of discontentment would creep on the relationship…UNLESS if religion has never been an important factor in the first place. And this is not just in Islam, but also true in every other religion.
****
May Allah guide us all.
May we always bear in mind that just because we are born Muslim, we may not stay that way forever. If you don’t work on your faith…it’s useless. Before you knew it, your daily prayers become nothing but habit rather than an act of worship. Before you realize it, donning a hijab is a fashion statement rather than an act of obedience.
You are guided ONLY if you are willing to follow the guidance. Why do you ask for guidance and then rebel by not following them, and then blame the guide?
To fellow Muslims out there, never be too complacent.
Like Kimdonesia rightly pointed out, it’s AMAZING how quickly we change our heart.
I am stressed. Exam is coming up real soon and there’s just TOO MUCH to cover.
My Paediatric Long Case:
Kids are cute little things - when they are healthy and laughing.
Alhamdulillah, last week I have passed my paediatric long case….a very delightful case of febrile seizure in an 11 month old cute little girl. I was satisfied with that case. Dr. Webber said I was good with kids. (If he saw me the week before, he would NOT have said that. If only he know all the sweat and tears that went into learning how to deal with crying little babies…all the pain I had to go through for the sake of exam!!)
The kid cried of course, but I silenced her up by blowing bubbles in the air…that was a trick I learned from a friend. And the kid hushed up almost immediately. And when she started crying again, I quickly put the dummy into her mouth. That gave me a short period of time to listen to her heart and lungs. And when she started crying again, I blew some more bubbles.
Dr. Webber was impressed. LOL. I acted as though that was no big deal, like I was good with kids all the time. (Yeah, right!) Look, just like everybody else, I love cute little things…just NOT when they are sick, and irritable and I have to examine them in a very stressful condition of exam. (Okay, I am not a good wife material, I know that.)
So one hurdle has passed…and I am sooo thankful because paediatric long case was the most nerve wrecking exam in the semester and many had failed previously. Alhamdulillah, all the Malaysian gang made it! BRAVO guys!
THE DREADFUL OSCE ANTICIPATED:
Bimanual examination
And now, there’s the written examination and the OSCE to go through. Now, I am not that worried for MCQ because the answers are there and all you have to do is pick one. Even when you are desperate, you can always play the guessing game.
But OSCE!! It’s the second most nerve-wrecking exam after paediatric long case. I don’t know what cases would come up for each station, I might have to do some empathetic counseling on a mother wanting an abortion, and I have to do a Pelvic Examination on a mannequin and I would be drilled about ethical issues (issues like abortion, and teenage contraceptive pills) by Charles Douglas. HOW FUN!!
OSCE is like performing. You are performing in front of the examiner….acting out a role. And it has to look smooth and perfect. OSCE is the time to apply theories into practical…but if you have not done much practice, the knowledge that you have would not help much.
I mean, how many women would let us examine their genitalia for practice in the clinic? I have NOT practiced doing that all that much…and now I have to do it in an exam. How CLUMSY would I look? And just like any procedures, there’s a ritual to it, a certain sequence of action that you have to go through in one smooth, competent movement…almost in a nonchalant manner. All that would come with practice…and like I said, I haven’t done much of that.
So, I am praying really hard that everything would turn out satisfactorily. After all, we can only put in our (not so) best effort and the end result is in the hands of the Almighty. Allah is Most Kind and whatever happens must be for the best. And I am, among those who submit.
In everything we do, failure is always a possibility. But we must rise above the fear and persevere. All that is left to do now is to pray that the verdict would be in our favour.
Yes, that’s right. My mom’s birthday and my sister’s birthday is only separated by a few days.
So often times, they are celebrated together…we usually just went for a dinner somewhere special. I could not remember, though, the last time we did that. Now that we’ve all grown up, now that she is no longer at home and the only one left now is my youngest sister, we seldom celebrated birthdays all that much. But when I was around, we always went out to dinner, for anyone’s birthday…just something simple and sweet.
On her birthday, I have decided to paint a picture of her as I remember her when we were growing up. I am no good at watercolor painting, so shall I paint with words how successful she is as the eldest sister of the family?
Some background knowledge of the very complex relationship I’ve had with my sister:
She is 4 years older than me.
She’s had 4 years of being the only child doted upon by her parents; She’d had 4 years to be accustomed to the sole attention being heaped on her and no one else; She’s had 4 years of not having to share any of her possession with anyone else.
The extent of the attention she got from my parents during the first 4 years of her life was just too outrageous, in my WHOLLY objective and VERY unbiased and TOTALLY impartial opinion.
It boggles the mind WHY would my parents devote the sole use of the antique NIKON camera on taking the pictures of her going about the mundane daily activities of eating, snacking, sleeping, bathing, even a very hilarious picture of her crying and sobbing her heart out on a couch… the pictures of her in the bedroom, in the yard, in front of the bathroom door (like, what possible monumental significance did the bathroom door have other than the fact that their darling daughter was in front of it? You get what I mean?)
My sister’s talent for posing in front of a camera in such an early age must have incurred the envy of Paris Hilton if they had known each other then.
So, my readers can surely sympathize the shock my sister must have received with the sudden rude arrival of yours truly on the 23rd of May 1985. I must have turned her world topsy turvy! The poor girl could NOT handle it!
Suddenly the antique NIKON is no longer flashing for her alone. hahhaha.
In her own words, she related to me the extent of her jealousy towards me during those early days of my arrival…and it is great, indeed.
“Waktu aku kecik2 dulu, ayah pernah marah aku sebab aku suka koyak surat khabar. So, one day aku nampah hang koyak suratkhabar. Sebab aku nak bagi hang kena marah, aku pun pi habaq kat ayah. Aku tak puas hati GILA bila ayah cakap ‘Tak palah, dia kecik lagi’. Aku rasa tak aci gila! Awat hang tak kena marah tapi aku kena?”
ROFL!!
Oh well! The obvious lesson to be learned from this is…jealousy never gets you the reaction you seek to provoke.
And another very obvious lesson to be learned from this narration is…the cuter of the two can get away with anything. LOL!
Surprisingly, like the resilient, perceptive child my sister really was, she came around to appreciate how my presence had elevated her longing lonely heart that suffered for company.
Among my favourite childhood pictures is the picture of myself and her on the floor while she was kissing my smooth baby cheek.
Such adoration from an elder sister, though I was still too young to appreciate it, could not fail to warm anyone’s heart upon seeing this picture.
A most encouraging development had begun with my arrival…my parents became much better at choosing which moments to capture with the antique NIKON.
The period of jealousy ended.
Only to be followed by the period of chaos and turmoil. The constant childhood bickering ; the slapping …hang tampaq aku, aku tampaq hang…hang tampaq aku lagi, aku tampaq hang lagi.
I am sure everyone remembers the age of unreasonable stubborn-ness when we just want to have the last word no matter what.
Kak Long: Hang ni bodoh!
Me: Hang lah bodoh!
Kak Long: Hang lah!
Me: Hang lah!
Kak Long: Hang lah!
Me: Hang !!
(silence)
Kak Long: Hang lah bodoh!
So, siapa yang penat dulu, dia lah kalah! Hahaha.
Yes, we were very logical, back then! I think in the mind of cute little toddlers, the concept of “siapa penat dulu, dia lah kalah” is a very good way of determining who is the victor.
We didn’t outgrow that habit until we started recognizing that we had one common danger to battle together and therefore would make better partners than we would be as enemies. The danger came in the form of the wrath of our parents.
What happened was, we began to recognize that we shared the same hobbies. We loved reading and writing! MUCH more than we did studying.
At home, my parents set up a study room where all her daughters would study together in that room. We didn’t have our own separate study table in our own room. The only computer in the house was also in the study room.
So, when we were supposed to be studying, sometimes we just ‘mengelat’ a bit. Konon nya buat nota, tapi sebenarnya menulis cerpen2 terbaru yang harapnya nak dipublish. Hahaha.
Bila ayah masuk nak check anak2 dia betul ke study, cepat2 sembunyi buku. Entah berapa kali kena tangkap menipu tapi tak serik2.
Because we were so fearful of the rattan, we always conspired to ‘accidentally’ lost the rattan. Bila ayah tanya, “mana rotan ayah letak atas almari ni?”
“Angah tak tau! Cuba tanya kak long” Straight-faced.
“Kak Long tak tau gak. Jatuh celah dinding kot.” Poker-faced.
We thought we were soo brilliant. Looking back, my parents must have known our very amateurish lies!
Pernah sekali tu, me and my sister were reading new novels. Waktu tu petang, dalam pukul dua mcm tu. Kitorang patutnya dah turun bilik study untuk belajar. So, tiba2 ayah ketuk pintu. Nasib baik kami kunci pintu! Kalut kami sembunyi buku bawah tilam! Lepas tu, in hushed tones, discuss the serious predicament that we were in…
“Weh, apa kata kita buat2 tertidoq. Hang pi lah buka pintu, konon hang terjaga. Biar aku tidoq.” Suggest my sister.
“Awat pulak aku yang buka pintu? Hang lah pi buka! Biaq aku tidoq.”
“Hanglah buka! Hang lagi kecik pada aku, ayah lagi percaya kat hang.”
Pap! Pap! Pap! Ketukan di pintu makin kuat.
Tunggu lama sikit, baru aku pi bukak pintu.
“Awat tak study lagi?” Ayah tanya.
“Kami tertidoq.” Aku rasa muka aku dah convincing habis nih! Mesti ayah kesian punyalah…anak2 dia penat study pagi tadi sampai terlajak tidoq waktu petang.
“Tidoq ka atau baca buku cerita?” Ayah aku suspicious habis!
“Kami tidooooq! Betoi!” I should be an actress!
Ayah aku masuk bilik, angkat bawah bantal (that’s where we used to hide our books when dad suddenly barged in).
Aku ngan kak long dah panik! Doa dalam hati, minta2 ayah tak check bawah tilam! hwahahhah.
Nasib baik, ayah aku tak check. Dia suruh bangun pi study ja! Fuh, lega!
Memang dari dulu lagi, ayah aku lagi suka kalau kami tertidoq daripada kami baca buku cerita atau menulis. Padahal, sama ja…still tak study! But I guess, my dad worried about our EXCESSIVE fascination with stories. Dan aku mengaku, memang melalaikan pun!
So, you get the idea….me and my elder sister were perfect crime partners. Cuma bila kakak aku dah pergi MRSM Taiping (and remember she is 4 years older than me dan masa tu aku masih sekolah rendah) baru aku cari partner baru (Izati), buat jahat kayuh basikal ke superstore tak mintak permission my mom.
But before she went to Taiping, I did most of my good and bad stuff with her. She is quite fun to hang around!
Below are the random things I remember about my unique elder sister.
1)My Kak Long is the brilliant one…
“Among the most dreadful fate of an intelligently bright younger sister is to have in her possession an elder sister who is brighter than her and could not be outshone easily.”
Do you know where the above quote comes from?
I made it up. Just now.
She was the best student in PMR. Time tu aku baru darjah lima…so I was like…”Ala, nanti aku PMR pun mesti aku best student nyer.” (which was not the case!) My parents were sooo proud of her. Meanwhile, in sekolah rendah, my teachers (which were also my sister’s teachers previously) kept asking about her progress. Huwaaa…bosan!
By the time aku masuk form 1 di Asma, kakak aku form 5 di MRSM Taiping. Yang bestnya, kawan2 kakak aku ada yang prefect kat sekolah. So, they knew my sister and I got away with some of the naughtiest thing I did back then. Inilah advantage having a famous sister…alang2 kena compare, biarlah kita ambil advantage sekali.
And because my sister was a history whiz and had earned the affection of Puan Ura…aku pun TERPAKSA berkerja keras untuk sejarah. Kang Puan Ura cakap aku ni tak sama macam Kak Long pula, kan! And until SPM, Sejarah remained one of my strong subjects in school.
In the Uni, my sister got the Chancellor Award during her graduation! I was like, habihlah aku! How am I going to compete with this??? Luckily, I am doing medicine…so I can always say, “Medik lagi susah lah! Tak dapat award pun kira oklah ni!”
But the truth is, I knew that I could not get a Chancellor Award no matter what course I take, let alone if I take Maths (which was what my sister did as an undergrad).
2)I followed her example for quite some time
She was 4 years older than me, but I always followed what she did.
She liked reading…I liked reading too. When she started to write, I felt like I wanted to write too. She wrote some short stories in Malay, I began to write short stories in Malay too.
Then, she became inspired by the Sweet Valley novels, and started writing in English her own high school series of Green Lane High (siap dengan logo sekolah pun dia reka sekali!!). So, I too started writing my own horror stories in English. Basically, what my sister did, I wanted to do it too.
But the thing is, because I was 4 years younger than her, I did all the things she did at a younger age than I would otherwise have. So, when she started writing her first short story at 11 years old, I started writing mine at 7. When she started writing her first English novel at 14, I started mine at 10. So, in a way, by copying her, I have become more developmentally advanced in terms of my habits.
So, even though, sometimes she must be annoyed having a copy-cat for a younger sister, but I didn’t care! Aku nak ikut juga! And it gave me the advantage of being more mature than my age. I stopped playing with dolls a long, long time before my other friends did.
I guess, you could say, she improved me indirectly.
Until she went to MRSM Taiping, I was quite influenced by her point of views and her opinions, which I thought could never be wrong. (Weren’t your sister very, very naive back then, kak long? Hahhah). Of course, time bergaduh tu, tak der lah aku nak mengaku dia bagus sangat kan. Hahhah. But always at the back of my mind, I wondered if she could be right?
Nasib baik, dia pi MRSM Taiping! Kalau tak sampai bila2, aku asyik nak ikut diaaaa ja! Tak ke haru tu!
3)My sister is a very confident public speaker
From the very young age, she was the school elocutionist. Selalu masuk pertandingan syarahan. Aku selalu dok tengok dia practice kat rumah.
Because we shared the same room, she had to stay up at night to prepare her text.
Let me tell you, there had been VARIOUS moments when she would ask me for ideas in preparing her text or ask me to replace some of her words with better ones. I should feel so honoured that she valued an opinion of a sister four years younger than her.
But sometimes, all I felt was….”Kak Long, aku nak tidoq laaa.”
Tapi sebab aku ni, adik yang baik kaan, so berkali2 aku teman juga dia buat text syarahan dia tu. Supaya kalau dia menang, aku boleh cakap…. “Nasib baik aku tolong hang buat teks syarahan!” Hahhaha.
Before I went to MRSM Langkawi, some of my English teachers had asked me to be in Asma School Debate Team. I was like…. memang “like sister, like sister.” Unfortunately, I could not do that because I wanted to go to MRSM.
Because my elder sister did.
*****
Kak Long, you and I…we share more than just a genetic link.
You’ve been THAT much of an influence during my most impressionable stage of growing up.
So, if I turn out great, you can have some of the credits. *wink, wink*
If I turn out otherwise, no one in their right mind would blame you. Because for an elder sister, you’ve been nothing less than exemplary.
So, now that you are nearing 30 (I am cruel in reminding you, I know), please hasten up in getting me some nieces and nephews….insya Allah, you will be an exemplary mother too.
Just don’t tell them about your childhood, okay? We don’t want to corrupt them now, do we? ;P
Yesterday was my mother’s birthday. And of all the time in the world to run out of credit, that was the day. Because I could not bring myself to ignore the tug of tenderness I felt towards this great woman who bore me with patience inside her womb for 9 months and brought me up with loving care and affection, I went to Jesmond to buy my Optus recharge (even though exam is just in another 4 days and I could do without the extra time spent in Jesmond) so that I could text her and give her a call.
My mother is a very anxious mother. She worries endlessly, which at times can be very endearing, and at others can exacerbate my own anxiety, LOL. I love her for many reasons. And at times of excessive pressure (exam time!!) I would miss her and home so much, it’s almost unbearable.
My elder sister was surprised when she knew. She said, “Hang nampak cam tough jaaa.”
Hahaha! Just because I am tough, doesn’t mean I am devoid of normal human emotion. Some of them are kept hidden so that I would not think about it too much. But during her birthday, I would allow myself to openly miss her and to miss home.
I am making a list of why I love her soo much and what I remembered her for the most:
1) I was an exasperating child yet she persevered and still does.
My Kak Long may die of jealousy, but the truth is I am the long-awaited child in the family.
My mother delivered my kak long via caesarean section, and therefore the doctor prescribed her to be on oral contraceptives. It was a common practice that you should wait for at least two years before falling pregnant again following a c-section.
So, my mother went on the oral contraceptives. But after two years being off the contraceptives, she still found it hard to fall pregnant a second time. My mother told me, “Waktu tu mak rasa macam….haiah, habihlah aku. Kak Long hang sorang jerlah anak aku nampaknya.” We broke into laughter. My mother then proceeded with telling us, “Hangpa nanti jgn dok makan oral contraceptive pill! Dah ada anak banyak2 baru makan pill!”
So, imagine their joy when they finally fall pregnant with yours truly!! hahah! I am the long-awaited child in the family and my Kak Long was quite jealous for a time. She got over it, eventually…she must be softened by my cuteness.
LOL.
But because I am the first child being born through vaginal delivery, it was the most painful experience for my mother. I remembered her telling me, “Beranak kat hang laa paling susah, kak ngah oii!! Sakit macam dgn apa! Esok2 hang tak ingat kat aku, memang nak kena!” Hahaha.
My mother also told me that, “hang laa yang paling kuat meragam, paling kuat menangis. Nak suruh tidoq sikit punya payah. Nak kena bawa jalan2 dalam kereta, baru nak lelap. Lepas tu dah sampai rumah, kena keluar dari kereta perlahan2 takut hang terjaga. Kalau dah terjaga nanti, nak kena masuk kereta balik bawa jalan2.”
Waahh….see, yours truly is very mengada2 from her early age. It was a wonder my mother did not get post-natal depression.
2)She prays for me
She prays for my exam all the time. Every time I call home, the main topic of conversation revolves around how hard my life is as a medical student and how scary the exam is. Because she also works in a hospital, she knew the plight of new interns and she understands what I am going through.
And so far, Alhamdulillah, doa seorang ibu memang mujarab. My mom always said, “Tiap2 kali aku buat solat hajat, aku doa kat hang dulu, hang tau dak!!”
My other sisters took TESL and the other sister did Teaching biology – they are a natural in their respective courses. While my elder sister did not need my mom’s prayer in terms of exam because she’s brilliant and she’s doing her PHD and she does not have any exams. So I am the only one consistently wanting her to pray for me for my exam!! She also prays for my youngest sister as hard as she prayed for me because my youngest sister is going to have her SPM this year. But ever since I did medicine, I was in her prayer in terms of exams!
I am always whining and whingeing, “Maaak suuuusaaaahh!!! Doctor tu tak suka kat kak ngah!! Patient tu racist! Mak, angah dah tak larat nak hafal nii….banyak sangat ubat2 ni! Belum lagi nak baca pathophysiology and the clinical aspects of the disease. Tak boleh masuk dah niii!!”
Amazingly, she never got bored hearing my complaints! No matter how repetitive it could get at times. I might as well just record my whingeing and crying and replay it to her every other week.
3) When I argued with my father, she was the bridge that connected us.
“Ayah tak payah mengata kat Kak Ngah. Kak Ngah pun tak payah mengata kat Ayah. Dua2 orang hangpa sama ja!!”
Hahaha.
I think, my mother must be the most affected by my constant disagreement with my father. Because she could not decide who to side with.
I am the most argumentative child in the family. I just could not keep my mouth shut when I feel that injustice has been committed. I want my parents to listen to my points and tell me in which aspect am I wrong…and then I would not accept it when they tell me exactly how am I wrong.
My only defense is, I truly believe in what I was saying. I was not argumentative just to be rebellious. I really did believe that I was in the right and it was not fair for them not to acknowledge it.
But having grown up now, I understand that it was not about being right. It was about being tactful while being right. Being polite. Being soft-spoken. I guess, that’s what raised Dad’s hackles the most when I showed my disagreement.
I love my mother, because I could pour out my feelings when I was angry. And sometimes she would side with me (privately, of course) and sometimes she would control the intensity of my feelings. And I love her because when I did my ‘mogok lapar’ she would ask me to eat. Hahhaha.
So, dah mak suruh makan, terpaksalah aku makan, ya dak? Hehehhe. (padahal perut dah tak tahan niii!!)
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The random events I remember about her.
1) I remember her the most for making me sandwiches to be brought to year 1 class party
-I think I must be quite autistic. I don’t know how to socialize when I was seven. You know how sometimes the school organize some sort of celebration and all of us need to bring something for pot luck?
-I asked for sardine sandwiches. And she packed me a whole tupperware of them. The funny thing is, I was not sure about what to do in a class party…I was in standard 1 and that was the first class party that I attended. I kept that sandwiches in my own bag. And whenever I wanted to eat the sandwich, I took out from my bag one by one.
When I got home, there were quite a few sandwiches left over (because even though I eat a lot, I could not eat alone the portion meant for a whole class). When I told her that I kept the tupperware in my bag, she was flabbergasted. “Laaa…orang buat sandwich ni suruh share bagi orang makan. Bukan makan sorang2. Kak Ngah ni tak reti laaa. Habis tu, kita makan makanan orang, tapi tak bagi orang makan makanan kita.”
My answer was surprising, “Angah tak makan makanan orang. Angah makan makanan angah ja.”
Aku rasa mak aku mesti pening dengan aku. She said , “Angah ni tak reti berkawan laa.”
I think she must be quite worried of my social life at that time.
Actually, she is still worried about my social life now; not in terms of gathering friendship but in terms of my marriageability. Haihhh!! Aku pun tak risau sampai mcm tu.
2)She let me have what I want for my majlis khatam Quran
When I was a child, I love coca-cola and bihun goreng.
Even for my majlis khatam Quran, I want those as well. Lantaklah orang lain nak buat pulut kuning dengan air sirap, I still want my own personalised meals.
So, mak aku pun masaklah bihun goreng banyak2 walaupun dia berkali2 cakap, “Peliklah kak ngah ni. Tak pa ka kita buat bihun goreng ni…orang lain semua buat pulut kuning untuk khatam Quran laah.”
“Tak pa aih, mak. Awat pulak tak boleh??”
Aku rasa sebab aku budak2, aku tak lah rasa pelik. Bagi aku, makanan tu sedap! Aku memang tak minat pulut kuning! Tapi mak mestilah segan…sebab makanan yang disediakan lain dari yang lain, it reflected weirdly on her. hahaha.
So, me and mom pun angkutlah plastic bag penuh dengan bekas polisterin berisi bihun goreng ke surau. Kitorang jalan kaki sebab surau dekat saja dengan rumah. I can still picture the walk that we had that day…the sun at 2.00 pm was scorching but I did not mind the heat as I was soo excited and proud.
Walaupun mak aku rasa buat bihun goreng untuk khatam Quran itu pelik, tapi memang makanan tu sedap pun! All my friends at the surau said that the bihun was super yummy, ok! I mean, of course budak2 tak minat pulut kuning!
Dahlah perkena dengan air coke!! Waah! Memang heaven food for kids, ok! So, setakat ni, aku rasa majlis khatam Quran akulah paling special (I might be bias, though).
3) I remember her giving me a stroke of rattan for going to a superstore.
When I was twelve years old, I was a very keen badminton player. Tapi ada satu hari ni raket aku dah rosak. Being a kid, I still want to play badminton that day.
So, when my mom was about to go to work, I nagged her, “Mak…angah nak main badminton! Mak tak payah risau, angah pi beli sendiri!”
Mak aku cakap tak payah, jgn membazir. So, aku cakap, “Angah ada duit angah sendiri lah. Bolehlah mak?”
“Siapa nak hantar hang pi beli raket badminton tu? Ayah kat KL. Mak nak pi kerja ni.”
“Ala, angah boleh naik basikal pi superstore.”
“hah, pi lah kalau nak pi sangat. Pergi laah kalau berani.” My mom said while getting her car keys, ready to go to work.
I pretended that my mom really meant that I could go. I told my sister, “Mak bagi pi. Mak cakap, kalau nak pi sangat, pergilah. Maksudnya,tak pa lah kita nak pi.”
Me and my partner-in-crime (Izati, my younger sister) pun pergi ke Superstore naik basikal buruk kitorang. Superstore tu sangat jauh daripada kawasan Mergong. Kena lalu jalan besar, lalu empangan jajar, banyak traffic lights! At that time, I felt it was a great adventure of my life. And we got the racquet and we played the whole afternoon.
But we were soo angry with Alida when we found out that she had called mom at work to bitch about us. Dad was in KL so he could not discipline us properly. When mom got home, we were chased around the house and given a stroke of rattan on our buttocks!
I was crying when I said, “Mak yang cakap boleh pi. Awat nak marah pulak?”
My mom jegil biji mata dia, “Bila masa mak cakap boleh pi?”
“Mak yang cakap, kalau nak pi, pi lah.” Menjawab kan aku ni? Lagilah mak aku naik angin sebab nampak sangat aku sengaja buat2 tak faham maksud sebenar my mom. Hahaha.
I was sooo exasperating, I know. I am amazed that my mom could be so patient in raising me. Entah berapa kali kitorang test the water with my mom….berkali2 ada plan nak lari dari rumah, tapi tak pernah jadi, sebab dok fikir…nak makan apa? Nak tidur kat mana?
4) I remember her giving me extra allowance every time I went back to MRSM Langkawi
-Setiap kali habis cuti and nak balik dari MRSM, my dad would give me some allowance to last me until the next holiday.
-Setiap kali mak aku hantar naik boat, my mom would give me an extra 100 ringgit and whispered “Jangan habaq kat ayah hang.” Hahhaha. Bestttt!!
I think my mom did that to all her daughters. Until now, I got an extra money from mom…Setiap kali nak balik Aussie, my mom would give me some money at Alor Star airport for my lunch at KLIA. I don’t need their money anymore…but I guess some things have become habit kot.
When I was in MRSM Langkawi, I got quite a lot of visits by my mother. She would bring me my favourite food, my sambal ikan bilis and chocolates. We didn’t usually go out to town when she came for a visit. We just sat at the foyer and talked while I ate what she brought me. I preferred it that way.
5) I remember her accompanying me to MARA headquarters
While preparing to go to overseas, there were quite a few trips to KL needed to be made; some involved going to MARA headquarters a couple of times to get the scholarship contract and whatnots.
Because I am very pathetic with geography in general and directions in particular, my parents could not trust me going to KL alone. I didn’t trust myself either. So, my mom and I went to KL by bus together.
Once we’ve arrived in PUDURAYA, we bought our return ticket immediately as we planned to leave KL by two o’clock and arrived in Kedah just after Isyak.
Tapi nak jadikan cerita banyak pula urusan hari tu…and by the time everything was settled, we were in a great danger of missing our return bus. I got quite anxious and began to walk faster than I normally would. I was also quite exasperated why my mom could not walk faster. I kept turning back to urge her to keep up…
And then I realized that my mother could not keep up with me…
And the sadness hit me like a wave of tsunami. In my mind, I thought of my mother as the same person who I saw in the pictures I had of her when I was two…she was a young hijabless lady bringing my two-year old self to a park in Kelantan. I was in my short pants running on the grass and my mother was alert and agile and able to catch me just in case I fell. And then, I saw her as a young but more matured, though still hijabless lady chasing me around the hause for going to a superstore without her permission. And then I saw her, this time with her hijab on, accompanying her twelve year old daughter to a surau, carrying plastic bags full of bihun goreng that her daughter insisted tasted much better than pulut kuning.
And what I was seeing in front of me was the same lady, still very beautiful, only just less agile than she was 20 years ago.
I almost cried then.
But I didn’t.
I only slowed down my pace and said to myself, “So what if we miss the bus? Bukannya tak dak duit nak beli tiket baru.”
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I want my mother to know that I love her very much. And in those times when I am exasperated with her, or she is exasperated with me, or we are exasperated with each other…the fact remain unchanged.
Please, Allah, guide me to become a better daughter for my mother; please improve my behaviour with greater amount of patience during her old days when, insya Allah, I will take care of her. Don’t ever let me give in to exasperation and anger towards my own mother for there is no way in the world I could ever repay her. Oh Allah, my paradise lies beneath her feet, and now I understand why there is no better place for it to be.
1)If your good deeds please you and your bad deeds upset you, then you are a mu'min.
2)Verily, in every difficulty, there is relief.
4)"Never do I argue with a man with a desire to hear him say what is wrong, or to expose him and win victory over him. Whenever I face an opponent in debate I silently pray - "O Allah, help him so that truth may flow from his heart and on his tongue, and so that if truth is on my side, he may follow me; and if truth be on his side,I may follow him." Imam Al-Shafi'i.
5)Sesungguhnya, sabar itu pada kejutan yang pertama.
6) The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried...
In Allah We Put Our Trust
"Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.
So tie your camel first, then trust in Allah.
ALWAYS!!"
