I have a problem with people using religious concept in the wrong situation or in the wrong context. It is one of my pet peeves. I rather not hear a religious reasoning AT ALL, rather than hearing it wrongly. It irritates me. It pushes my hypomanic button SO HARD, making me want to preach loudly and proudly to correct the wrongly used concept. (I am not joking. I do feel that hypomanic tendency is my baseline. Or at least, hyperthymia. Except that I am not the overfriendly/overfamiliar type… more like the irritable/inflated self-esteem budget bagus type hahha.)
We were discussing a case involving a husband who wants to have a second wife but at the same time only receives minimal wages as a security guard. His treatment of his current wife is abominable based on the report from the wife and our assessment of his attitude. The wife had asked for khuluk (tebus talak) once, but the husband demanded an exorbitant amount of money before he would ever agree to divorce the wife. So that option was out.
The wife has been to a Pejabat Agama recently. The ustaz had told her that in cases like this, there are two options. Either ‘redha’ OR bercerai.
When I heard this, my face fell. (It was reflex. My emotion shows on my face. Difficult to hide, me being hyperthymic and all). So one of our colleagues lightly admonish me “Redha memang ada dalam Islam kan…”
I let that go. (My self-control was fabulous, I think. Usually, I would have performed a rebuttal right there and then. But I know that this is something many people have misconceptions about.)
You see….I know there is a concept of redha in Islam. I mean, that is saying the obvious, isn’t it? My problem here is simple. I resent that concept being applied in a wrong situation.
My problem with the ustaz statement that ‘it is either redha OR bercerai’ lies in the faulty presentation of redha by the ustaz.
If I were the wife, I would have asked “Oh…kalau bercerai, tak payah ada redha la?”
Come on! Redha is not dichotomous, black-or-white situation. You either have redha, or you don’t???!!! Heyyyy!
Hearing what the ustaz says, some of the makcik kampung out there would probably think: “Bercerai tak baik. Bergegar arash Allah di langit (that’s hadis palsu, by the way Tak ada maknanya kau bercerai di bumi, arash Allah nak bergegar di langit). Kalau aku bercerai, maksudnya aku tak redha nanti.”
My argument is this: if you present redha as an ‘either-or’ situation, you have indirectly inflict injustice to women.You are saying that bercerai does not require redha. That if the wife choose to demand for divorce, then she does not have redha! To me, that is a ‘zalim’ statement!
I have read a case in the newspaper where an ustaz had advised a woman to have sabar in a domestic abuse case. “Ganjaran sabar adalah syurga”. My blood boiled so badly that I had to pace back and forth in the living room just to calm myself down.
Sabar and Redha is not something passive, you see. It’s an active, painful process. Sabar berjuang! Sabar di medan perang! Sabar bercakap benda yang benar biar pun kena bambu dengan boss! Bukannya sabar kena tendang dengan suami tapi menangis saja tak buat apa-apa. Tu bukan sabar, tu bangang! Sorry….orang yang rela ditindas and dibuli ni kadang-kadang annoying! Because it messes with my mind and my understanding of the concept of justice!
Kita sabar berusaha melakukan perkara yang betul! Bukan sabar membiarkan perkara yang zalim terjadi. Orang Melayu ni kebanyakannya menggunakan ‘redha dan sabar’ untuk melindungi kemalasan dan sifat pasif mereka. Sorry to say. We did not use ‘redha dan sabar’ the way Allah wants us to use it. If we did, we would have been the greatest nation on earth.
Redha comes in EVERY action. Kau bercerai pun, kau kena redha. Kalau kau tak bercerai pun, kau kena berusaha memperbaiki perkahwinan itu dan redha dalam cabaran yang kau terpaksa hadapi dalam usaha itu. Jangan tak bercerai tapi pada masa yang sama tak buat apa-apa, lepas tu hang budget hang ni redha sangat! Come on!
If I were the ustaz I would have said “Akak ada beberapa option sebenarnya. Akak boleh cuba memperbaiki hubungan dengan suami, berbincang dan menghadiri sesi kaunseling dengan kami. Mungkin ambil masa sikit untuk masing-masing berubah dan menyesuaikan diri. Waktu-waktu macam ni sangat penting untuk akak SABAR dan REDHA menghadapi kerenah suami sementara dia nak berubah ni. Tapi kita usaha pelan-pelan lah. Atau pun akak boleh bercerai …. samada khuluk atau fasakh. Cuma akak kena SABAR dann REDHA la status janda tu Lepas ni pun mungkin banyak cabaran sebagai single mother. Tu pun kena SABAR dan REDHA juga.”
Faham tak? There is SABAR and REDHA in any action. I presented redha and sabar in BOTH bercerai atau bersama. Supaya isteri ini tak fikir yang kalau kalau dia bercerai, dia bersalah sebab tak redha! So hang tak boleh cakap kat orang bercerai ATAU redha. Redha ni bukan benda ‘atau-atau’, okey! Sabar pun bukan ‘atau-atau’.
(And that’s why I love listening to debate. We can argue based on the word ‘atau’ alone! Whether or not ‘atau’ is correctly applied. Hahha)
That’s why I made a face. Not because I don’t agree that redha is a concept in Islam. But because I don’t agree regarding where it was applied and how it was being elaborated. And my old self would have stood up and argued about it back and forth with my colleague. But I try not to do that anymore. At least, not with just anyone. I do that with close friends and family members. We love discussing ideas, arguing about it. We find that mental exercise exhilarating and mind-stimulating. A mental drug. I got bored easily with the mundane. People who cannot give me interesting conversation will not be my close friends. And when I say interesting conversation, I don’t mean the gossip kind. I am stimulated by ideas, concepts, something new to learn or discuss. That’s why I love books… because ordinary everyday conversation bores the hell out of me.
I got easily bored with people. I really do. I cannot imagine getting married and feeling bored when my husband and I end up talking about boring stuff. Hahaha. One of my recurrent nightmare is death by boredom. I told my mom that my future husband MUST read a lot….at least, we have something to talk about. If he cannot read a lot, at least his conversation must be interesting. I cannot endure boring people.
I have decided to choose properly with whom I can engage in an in-depth discussion without feeling like I was being judged. Sometimes, people get offended with my forthright, straightforward behaviour in shredding people’s argument to pieces. To me, it is just a discussion. To others, I come across as insensitive and argumentative. Forgive me… I have always wanted to be a lawyer. Hahaha. What a lawyer does involves arguing about terms, pondering its meaning and pounce on their opponent incorrect usage of the term. That’s how debate is won! You show the judges that your opponent talk about the right concept but it is really wrongly applied. All debaters feel that they talk the right thing, you see. So their only hope to win is to show that their opponent’s application is faulty! A good debater knows this! They are quick to pounce when people don’t say it JUST EXACTLY right.
I have to unlearn doing that to people, I know now. I mean, conversation should not always turn into a debate. Even when I am right in saying what I say, I am not right when I offend others. I have to consciously learn that…consciously self-restrain myself. Consciously compromise on the truth and let it be unsaid…. because as much as I hate it, feelings DO matter to other people.
Unfortunately, INTP lacks the feeling component.
JUST. DON’T. PUSH. MY. BUTTON.