Tinggal Kenangan

I am not a very good person.

Susah untuk berubah. Kerana kita dah selesa dengan diri sendiri.

In oversea, I used to join ‘usrah’ for about one year and a half. Masya Allah. What a bunch of beautiful and kind sisters. They were soooo good. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be in their midst. I couldn’t be like them and I felt sooo pressured.

But they were so nice….I cannot help myself from LIKING them.

Tapi aku nilah anak didik yang paling susah dibentuk, rasanya. Ada-ada saja pertanyaan, alasan, bantahan. Alhamdulillah, nasib baik aku dikurniakan orang-orang yang baik di sekeliling aku. Yang sabar dan tahan dengan perangai aku yang kadang-kadang rebellious beyond this universe.

I didn’t deserve them, but I am glad they are my friends. And I miss them.

***

“Afiza suka baca buku ya?”

“Saya tahu buku saya tak macam buku awak. Raheeq Makhtum, Hadis 40, Syed Qutb, Hassan Al Banna,  memang tak adalah dalam rak buku saya. Hadis pertama jer kut yang saya hafal; tu pun separuh : innama ‘amalu binniat. Yang lain saya tak ingat.” I told her, tersengih segan.

Suatu hari, baik pula dia hadiahkan satu buku. Haih, kenapa baik sangat ni? I couldn’t be like them and I felt guilty.

Mereka dah lama bagi hint pada saya – bacalah buku pengisian juga. Dan saya pun bacalah. Some of the books were REALLY good.

But at the same time, I still gravitate towards Jodi Picoult, John Grisham, David Baldacci, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte. Mereka tidaklah aktif melarang, namun mereka katakan: sebelum berbuat baik, kita kena tinggalkan kejahatan dan buang jahiliah.

“Okay. So buku-buku aku tu kejahatan lah maksudnya? Jahiliah?” See? Aku memang suka membantah. I want BOTH – can I still read religious books AND fiction?

“Bukanlah sampai kejahatan. Tapi…hmm, lagha!” tingkah kawan aku ni; sampai tergelak dia untuk menangkis kata-kata aku yang macam tak puas hati.

Okay.

They are GOOD. Bila diorang marah pun, diorang baik. I can’t be like them

***

Bukan senang nak berubah. Most of the time, aku dah selesa dengan apa yang aku dah buat. Tapi hidup tidak statik. Jika kita tidak berubah sendiri pun, situasi yang akan mengubah kita, menjadikan kita TERPAKSA berubah.

Tapi memang PAYAH.

So aku pun memberi alasan. “well, buku-buku ni bagus apa. Banyak pengetahuan am juga. Semua penulis-penulis ni buat research sebelum diorang tulis. Ingat senang John Grisham nak tulis watak seorang lawyer jika dia tak ada ilmu undang-undang. Susah kan? Ingat senang Jeffrey Archer nak tulis pasal watak seorang politician jika dia sendiri tidak ada ilmu politik. These are good writers dan secara tak langsung, I learned a lot by reading their books. I learned the art of effective debate by reading John Grisham and Jeffrey Archer. Patricia Cornwell taught me about forensic dalam buku Scarpetta dia. I learned English, not through my English teachers; I learned through my novels. So, tak lah lagha sangat kan? Banyak ilmu  juga.”

“Yalah, tapi lebih afdhal kan kalau kau baca sirah nabi ke? Kau dah tahu semua benda ke pasal Nabi Muhammad?” Hah, kan dah kena sebijik.

Okay, aku mengaku. Memang lebih afdhal lah. And I will do it, God willing. Tapi aku masih nak juga baca buku-buku cerita. Boleh tak?

Is it BAD?

Maybe I am just not as good as you. And I think you are disappointed in me; if you are not disappointed now, you will be.

***

“Lagu apa ni?” Tanya seorang akak yang SANGAT BAIK.

“Saya tahu muzik haram. Sorry.” Awal-awal aku dah minta maaf. Kenapalah aku tak baik macam diorang?

“Tapi dah lama tak dengar lagu…so saya macam teringin nak dengar. Tadi study, mengantuk.” I know I was LAME with a capital L. Alasan, alasan, alasan.

Kakak tu tak marah pun. Dia tanya jer, aku rasa. Tapi aku yang segan. SANGAT!  Namun, aku masih mencipta alasan “Tapi nasyid pun ada muzik. Kalau nak strict, sepatutnya drum and percussion jer, betul tak?”

Sometimes it is SO hard. Susah nak menongkah arus apabila dunia sekeliling kita memang macam ni – ada buku cerita, ada muzik, ada lagu.  Dan aku tak macam mereka.

I am WEAK.

Entahlah dah berapa kali rasanya mereka kecewa dengan aku kot, tapi masih begitu baik melayan kerenah aku. Tahannya mereka.

***

Sekarang semuanya dah tinggal kenangan. Aku balik Malaysia. It makes me even worse. Usrah tu memang dah tak ada lah, unfortunately. No more bulatan gembira.

Muzik tu…well…my resolve always fluctuate. On and off.

Buku cerita lagi…my number ONE weakness!

Truly, I miss all of you, NEWCASTLE sisters. Even though I am not as good as you are, even though I may be a source of great disappointment every time, I hope you will remember me in your prayers as I remember you in mine.

 

PS: I am looking through our pictures on the computer. These tears are for you girls; for the time we have spent together that I took for granted; for the knowledge you have imparted that I’d ignored; for the laughter and the smiles that we had enjoyed with one another. For all that it is worth, know that you are deeply missed, deeply loved.

**Until now, lagu ‘sebiru hari ni’ remains my favourite ring tone. In my mind, that is OUR SONG.

4 thoughts on “Tinggal Kenangan

  1. salam wbt. ukhti, i search something else dan saya terjumpa blog ni. it’s good to know that u r missing usrah, u r missing the good people. and u want to be like them. i hope u will be stronger each day. because strength comes from Allah, nobody in this world are able to do good deeds without help from Allah. so, ask from Him what u need most. STRENGTH. i am in the same situation as u, lets pray together for each other🙂

    Like

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