Mencari Matahari Tenggelam

 

I have mentioned it a few times in the past.

Whining is my coping mechanism.

I will whine to anyone who will listen. That way, I feel like I have unloaded all the stress from within. Expressing all my worries makes me worries-free.  That’s why you can see me whining and complaining and yet I still refuse to give up…because whining makes me feel better, immediately.

I believe that it is the job of everyone around me to cheer me up. LOL. I was spoiled that way. I have family and friends who entertain me when I whine. So I didn’t know any other way, you see.

My mom repeatedly told me that “Kak Ngah jangan dok mengeluh-ngeluh. Hang ni ingat sama apa yang jadi ni dah takdir hang jadi doktor. Ingat sama ni kerja Tuhan. Hang sabaq ja laa dua tahun ni.”

I know. To quote Ahmad Bukhatir in his song, “Ya Allah, forgive me when I whine.” Because I didn’t seriously mean it. I just wanted to be listened. Does that make sense?

I shouldn’t ‘merungut’, I know. Tak baik merungut.

But then, what other coping mechanism do I have?  I turned to the Solat and the Quran… those would remind me to be patient. But what does it say about my ‘iman’ when I still whine afterwards? I don’t know. Maybe I am just not a very good person.

When I was a student, I jogged in the evening, timing for the end of my jogging to coincide with the beautiful sunset. When I was in Tamworth in Year Five of med school, I saw the most beautiful sunset in my entire life. Even the sunrise was breathtaking in Tamworth.

Now, I didn’t have that luxury anymore. (Okay, i am not whining; I am just stating a fact).

****

Oncall yang memenatkan. Hari tu dapat balik awal post-call kerana hujung minggu. Rasa seperti mahu buat sujud syukur.

Suddenly I wanted to break free from the exhausting routine of work-sleep-eat only to work-sleep-eat the next day. Suddenly I had the urge to break free.

I drove straight to Taman Rimba, the legendary park in Alor Star.It was the place of my childhood delight. The place with lots of pleasant memories of mindless games and innocent freedom.

I drove past the scenery of kids laughing under the watchful eyes of their ever so vigilant parents.

I was that kid, once.

I still have the picture of me in my white princess gown playing on the swing. I still love the swing. The feeling of cold air cracking your cheeks as you push and pull against the rope to swing higher and higher…. the ultimate feeling of lightness.

I parked my car at the far corner of the area. Jumped down and walked down the road.

I know I am too big to fight for the use of the swing with all those hopeful kids. I am adult enough to walk far and far away to find the best spot to watch the Alor Star sunset.

It was nothing like the sunset in Tamworth, of course. But the feelings of calm and contentment was still the same. I knew now why I love the sunset so much.

It’s because the sunset marked the beginning of a new day (Maghrib) and the end of the suffering of the day before. It’s the perfect time of reflection. And so I reflected. Maybe I was so used to whining until I could not recognize that it was a bad coping mechanism. Bad! Maybe I should try to practice what I have learned (after all what is ‘ilmu’ without ‘amal, right?).

I know that ‘Sabar itu pada kejutan yang pertama’. Bukan setelah merungut lama-lama.

I know that we should ‘minta pertolongan Allah dengan jalan sabar dan solat’. But I practiced the solat (khusyuk sangat kah?) without practicing the ‘sabar’.

Allah has informed me of the best coping mechanism: Sabar. But I did not want to follow what was precribed. Instead I gave in to my nafs and did the exact opposite and whined instead. I was terrible.

Under the sunset in Taman Rimba, I humbly acknowledged my sins.

You see, that’s why I love the sunset so much. It was calm and it was conducive for self-reflection.

Mencari Matahari Tenggelam would be my coping mechanism from now on….

…Other than Sabar & Solat, of course.

 

Aku mahu berdoa, dalam pada Mencari Matahari Tenggelam:

“Ya Allah, ilhamkan kepada ku untuk sentiasa bersyukur kepada-Mu di atas segala nikmat yang kau berikan kepada ku. Dan ilhamkan kepadaku agar aku dapat menghadapi segala ujian-Mu tanpa perlu aku merungut.”

Amin.

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