On the 13th of December I did not bother to check my student account for my exam result. The reason being; I already knew before hand that I passed. Well, not because I was all confident and cocky…no, God forbid I have become an arrogant jerk!
The reason I was certain that I passed was because a few days before the results was due to come up, I have already received the confirmation letter (H.E.R.E) from the head of school that I have passed. That confirmation letter basically claimed that I have fulfilled all the necessary requirements of my medical studies and can start working as a doctor (PAID doctor, thank God) even though my graduation ceremony wouldn’t be until April. (I know, right?! Stupid uni scheudule! All other medical schools organize their graduation ceremony a few weeks after school finishes! But not Uni of Newcastle! We are too unique! Ugh!)
When I received that confirmation letter, I kept expecting for my heart to be filled with overwhelming joy and superfluous elation. I thought I would, AT LEAST, burst with happiness. But all I did was sigh with relief, thinking “Finally, I am a doctor!”
It all came down to that piece of paper. I knew now that this is what superficial, artificial and material life is all about. You thought that once you have attained that goal or that target or that ambition, you will be content. Not a chance, folks! If you forget your purpose of life, you will end up chasing one goal after another, never feeling you are quite there just yet.
Look at me! After 5 years, you would have thought that I should, at the very least, be jumping up and down with satisfaction that all my suffering had come to a conclusion. But that wasn’t what’d happened. If you stop reminding yourself of the purpose of life, you will keep on chasing shadows of what your real life should really be. Please, Allah, don’t make me forget. EVER!
The date with SPA
SPA stands for Suruhanjaya Perkhidmatan Awam to those who still don’t know.
As much a I wish that SPA stands for that place where you get to relax, unwind, massaged by a professional masseuse, close your eyes in a pool of tranquil warm water covered with flowers of lavender and ylang-ylang, that is not to be the case on the coming 4th of January 2011. That is the date when I will have my SPA interview…one step forward to my becoming a PAID doctor.
My heart breaks knowing that I will miss the wedding of my good friend and study-mate, Balqis. But what to do? Duty calls.
The More Important Stuff
After more than a month being at home, I’ve been feeling a bit too relaxed. Like I wasn’t even exerting myself to do something good. I read stuff; important stuff, I supposed…religious stuff, political stuff, social stuff, getting to know my country again. But I didn’t do anything great or inspiring. I have basically forgotten all about Fathi Yakan’s Generasi Pemuda dan Perubahan. Scary, isn’t it? Baru sebulan kot in Malaysia.
Yeah…I am too laid back! Not good! Terrible! I need someone to whack my bottom and push me in the right direction. Or else, I will “rilek sampai slack”, to quote my father.
In my own defense (boleh tak nak defend diri sendiri? Huh, alasan!!), I will start working very soon. Tak ada masa dah pun nak rileks lepas ni kan?? So, I should cherish all the rest I could get…without forgetting my purpose of coming back home.
I still remember how I told myself that I will be restless if I am stuck at one place for too long a time. I told myself that I will not be able to be functional in NC. I should provide my service elsewhere.
In a place where I don’t have any ‘history’, so to speak.
I hope I will remember.
So, it’s very important for me to find the kind of place that will give me the kind of contacts I need to constantly push myself into becoming a better person. It’s hard, you knoow. I am not naturally good. I am just me….human.
All my usrah mates are also fresh graduates….they are about to become dedicated teachers probably about the same time I will become a houseman, insya Allah. They will be scattered around to various MRSM to teach. I don’t know how our usrah will be in the next few weeks. I have started to become a bit busy… tu pun belum kerja lagi.
I have to really sit down and think WHERE do I want to work? SP or AS? Those are busy places….I would not even get my own weekends. So when would I have the time for usrah? But then, those are the places that would give me excellent experience to become a good doctor in the future.
If I choose to stay in AS….it would be so convenient. Very near to my home….it’s along the same road to my house. I would be able to look after my parents (even though knowing how hell-ish the housemanship will be, it might be them who will have to look after me.)
If I choose to stay in SP, Kak M will be there. She’s already an MO. It’s good to surround yourself with good muslimah like her. Who knows? I might end up throwing away my jeans in favour of baju kurung (erk? macam takkan jer. I really like jeans and pants. I can’t imagine wearing baju kurung to work! I was thinking to wear pants with knee-length blouse).
(See? I am bad! I am terrible! I resist change; that’s my problem. Nak pakai baju kurung pergi kerja pun susah ke? How hard is it?)
Or I can go to Kangar…I was told that they get weekends off over there. More time to devote myself to beneficial stuff, the real purpose of my life. But that means I have to find myself new usrah mates. That’s not a big problem…but, I already really like my usrah mates here.
The Very Useless Stuff – But I Cannot Stop Myself. God forgive me, please.
I bought two more books.
Jeffrey Archer’s As the Crow Flies, and Niffenegger’s Her Fearful Summer.
At the same time, all my books from Australia had arrived 3 days ago. Hundreds of them! So, I told my parents that I need a bookshelf for my
I told them that I would use my own money for the bookshelf (even though in my heart, I hope they would sponsor me, hahah).
When I said that I would use my own money, I didn’t know that bookshelf is soo freaking expensive! A good bookshelf cost me RM900! I could buy at least 25 more books with that amount of money!!
My parents took pity on me. I knew they would! heheh.
So I ended up paying 300 bucks, my dad sponsored another RM300 and my mother sponsored another RM300. I smiled with relief. Tiga ratus ringgit baru AUD100, I told my parents with delight.
My dad frowned, “Angah kat Malaysia skrang ni. Tak payah dok pikiaq dalam dollar laa. Nanti angah boros.”
By the way, I told the apek to deliver my shelf on that very day, no matter how late it would be. So I ended up going to bed quite late because I was busy arranging my books on that shelf. A quarter of my books could not be shelved due to lack of space. My mother said that we might get another bookshelf, next month (this time, I did not say that I will use my own money. I just kept quiet. hehehe. Hopefully, they’ll get the hint. I am broke!).
I knew I could have used that money wisely. I knew that people would say that my books are useless stuff…lagha! Baik baca buku-buku agama or something. But, ugh….I can’t stop just yet. I can’t!
And I will try to find something in those books to benefit from. For example:
1)I could learn English very well by reading. (that’s good, isn’t it?)
2)There’re lots of knowledge that you can get from reading fiction. You know, basic pengetahuan am. (Lame, I know)
3) I could improve on my writing. It’s very beneficial to be able to write very well. (Isn’t it?)
4) Reading prevents Alzheimer. (Okay, I better stop before I become more lame)
It’s not that I haven’t noticed all those subtle hints that people keep giving me. My own mother (without bothering to be subtle) keeps saying “Kalau dok baca buku pelajaran sungguh-sungguh macam baca buku cerita, entah-entah dah pandai tera mana dah anak aku ni.” (Mak, tak baik cakap ‘kalau-kalau’, I wanted to say but I bit my lip. My mom won’t think it’s funny.)
My own friends (the good alim ones) also keep giving me hints. Basically, I know they are trying to say “Bacalah buku pengisian.” I know, trust me. I know what you are trying to say.
Give me time. That’s all I ask. Give me time.
Even though I still buy lots of crime and thriller fiction, I promise that I will not ignore religious books, altogether. That’s a promise to myself; not to please anyone else.
Just pray for me, please.
Maybe one day, I will be able to look at Jeffrey Archer’s newest release and feel nothing. Absolutely zilch!
Maybe, one day.
(I am bad, I am terrible, I am lame. I know. But don’t give up on me. Just pray for me, please.)