I’ll Be There….

You know what people say about me?

I live in my own world. And I don’t need companions.

As long as I have my books (and I don’t mean the serious kind), I am content.

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Sometimes, I look like I am always too busy for others. I know I use that reason plenty of time, too. So, aku tak salahkan sesiapa kalau diorang nak fikir aku ni ’stuck’ in my own world and uncaring (though I would disagree if they dare say it to my face).

Kadang-kadang aku sendiri risau dengan diri aku. Is this it? I am content just as long as I have enough food, enough, sleep, enough study time (to take care of the guilt, if you know what I mean), and enough fun times. Is that all there is to my life?

Tapi, aku memang dah puas hati. I like my life as it is. Aku tak kaya, tapi aku tak papa. Aku tak bodoh, tapi aku tak lah genius. I know a little bit of everything important…I know enough as a Muslim (but not enough to be a scholar), I know enough history (but not geography coz my sense of direction is non-existent), I know enough of what is important (but not a lot) and I know a little bit of those that are not important.

I am content!

Ya, aku rindu kawan2 aku…tapi aku tak take time to contact them very much. Sometimes, I have to consciously reprimand myself, “Afiza, hari tu N dah tegur kau kat facebook, kau tak pernah sekali pun pergi kat dia!”

Faham tak? It’s not natural. Orang lain tak perlu diingatkan untuk ‘take a look’ at their friends because they would realize it themselves when they miss their friends. But not me! Is it because I just DON’T MISS anyone? Something is wrong with me but I don’t know what it is. 

You know what the book says about missing somebody sooo much…..I never experience it.

Look, I really do miss my friends. But I just don’t do the effort because it’s not vital enough for me to do so. Does that make sense? I mean, the wordl would still spin around regardless of whether or not I talk to them over the YM, or comment on their pics at facebook, or write on their wall. (believe it or not, I make myself do those things because I think I SHOULD stay in touch…it’s not a natural inclination on my part and it worries me).

I make myself call my family once a week. I miss them everyday, I suppose, but not the I-just-have-t0-talk-t0-them-or-I-will-not-be-able-to-concentrate- kind of miss.  And when I forgot to do my once-a-week call…what makes me call them next would be because it has gone too long since the last call. Shouldn’t I be calling them because I really miss them?

Which, of course, I do. But not in a desperate kind of way…so kalau aku tak call, I still can live. But I remember them AT LEAST 5 times a day, in my prayer. 

My friends, too, I remember them in my prayer in a general sort of way (tak derlah aku sebut nama sorang2 kan).

But, maybe it’s not enough? Maybe people need to keep in touch even if you have nothing to talk about and is just talking nonsense.  Maybe, I should start learning to CARE.

But I actually DO…just in my own way. Okay? Is that enough?

Why do I have a feeling that it’s not?

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What hit me most was when my friend (a very special friend, and before you get any ideas, it’s a she!) had to request a private conversation with me because she wants my opinion on something.  REQUEST! It seems like people can’t even reach me spontaneously without making an appointment.

I felt guilty…

But you know what…no matter how busy I am, I will always be there for my friends. But you just need to let me know that you need me. Don’t let me guess, because I suck at guessing. If you need my help, then tell me…don’t just sit around, hoping that maybe today Afiza will be online on her YM (because you know what….I am never online on my YM unless I have made an appointment with one of my sisters or friends for a chat. Yes….appointments again!). Because if you hope to catch me during my ‘leisure’ moments, you WILL NEVER reach me, because on my leisure moments, I would read novels, I would watch TV, I would cook (things that I don’t get to do very much once the semester start)…but I am always ready to forego all those things to chat with you or help you, if you need me.

The problem is, you have to let me know…then I will make time for you. Always! But if you are just sitting around hoping, that all of a sudden, I would pop in for a small talk and a chat, you will have to wait forever because only EXTREME BOREDOM would make me do that. But the fact is,  I rarely get bored, and when I do, my boredom is never extreme. NEVER.

The same thing goes for my family. If you need me for anything, let me know. (I don’t know why… but people always ask me for my opinion…and I appreciate their trust in my judgment. And I am HAPPY to think for them, so please don’t be afraid to interrupt my repititive cycle of activities if you need me, no matter how small your needs are.)

Remember, sisters, the time when one of you gave me an sms about a dreadful matter that happened last year while I was busy for my third year exam. And then I gave you guys a call.  All of us CRYING! And then I dealt with the problem in my usual abrupt, impulsive, hasty manner (that you guys disagreed with). I was busy, then. But I would still want to be included in whatever problems you guys might be facing…and I would want to settle the problem if you will let me.

And then I will go back to my routine. I will probbaly forget to call you. I will probbaly not hear from you for awhile because I would assume everything is fine (because or else you would have called).

And I will only start feeling like I should give you guys a call/a buzz at YM/ a message at FB…after a really long time since we have last spoken.

But never ever think that it’s because I don’t care, during those times when we were in betweeen contacts. No! It’s just that, it’s the way I am.

To family and friends,

Remember that I’ll be there if you need me for anything…even if just to have a quick chat.

I don’t feel the need  to contact often in order to feel loved, needed, cherished. Conceited that I am, I think you guys should love or cherish me anyway, regardless of whether or not we keep in touch because we are are family and friends, lol.

All you have to do…is let me know! Just leave me a message kt FB….just say “Afiza, I wanna talk to you, at 8 tonight. Just be online! Wanna do it over YM? FB? Let me know.”

Or just give me a call…a message.  OR just email me coz I checked my mail everyday (hence you can reach me by FB too because It will be in my emails. Email is the best way!)

And then, I’ll be there.

But if you don’t tell me,I wouldn’t know. Because I am not in the habit of saying hi just for the sake of saying hi. I am not very good at that sort of thing. If you understand that, then you won’t think that I don’t care during those times when I keep my silence.

Trust me, it’s either you let me know…or we should make it a routine. Say, every wednesday…let’s chat. Because if it’s not in my routine, then I won’t suddenly do it unless I am specifically told to do it.  (yes, you guys may think I am not spontaneous and I am boring….but I really do like my life this way. It’s not boring to ME. And it’s ME that counts because it’s MY life).

However, I am not that conceited to think that you guys would want to chat with me in a routine manner. So, yeah, miss me? Just make an appointment and we’ll chat! Need me?  Do the same as when you miss me.

One last reinforcement: Just let me know…and I’ll be there!